Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Going through a scare like that on my own was frightening!
Monday, July 7, 2014
Today has been a rough day on me. Today my brats leave me to fly to Illinois and spend 11 days with their grandfather, my dad. Who has not spent more than a couple of hours in their presence for the last I-don't-know-how-many-years.
So it's bitter, because I have not spent more than a couple of days, 5 at the most without at least one of my children. Last year, I had a week without Baby Girl, while she was in Georgia with my uncle, but it was just barely a week before the boys came back from their dad's. I'm panicking for several reasons:
My dad is not a young man anymore and hasn't had to deal with two high-energy little boys like mine.
Baby Girl is an enigma and reminds me so much of myself at that age, they may bump heads.
There have been severe storms, including tornadoes in that part of the country for several days now.
It's sweet because I get some much needed 'alone time'. I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself as I seem to have a dwindling number of friends, but after the last year or two of stress, the doctors are now insisting that I do something for me to get it under control. So while being the support mechanism for everyone else is admirable, it was apparently detrimental to my own health and well-being. How quickly people forget what you do for them.
I digress, but that's been quite a painful sore point for me the last 6 months.
It's revenge, because, well, my dad volunteered to have my kids for two weeks. My teen years spent with him were not great, so foisting my delightful children on him for a period of 11 days (I'm not really counting...), will maybe help illuminate just how quiet and well-behaved I was... Straight A's and captain of almost all the girl's sports teams as well as a school and district record holder.... And yet I was never quite as awesome as my sister in his eyes....
Oh Revenge is sweet, but I'll still miss the Brats :'(
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
I am absolutely petrified of the eight-legged freaks (and I should have patented that phrase... I've been using it since the 80's, long before the movie came out!).
So Friday of last week, while hanging at the pool after work with Firefighter and the brats, I had an annoying itch at the back of my thigh. I felt two small bumps, so I joked with Firefighter that obviously a mosquito had found my hamstrings a trifle tasty and had taken more than one bite.
Saturday morning, however, after he'd left and I hopped in the shower, the itch was worse, painful and almost burning and when I looked, I actually had a nasty ring of a rash popping up, so now I'm thinking "Oh great, I've picked up ringworm at the pool". I have kids, which means I typically keep all kinds of potions at the house, so I locate the Lotrimin, smear it on and go about my day. Except the burning gets worse. The thigh is now starting to swell. I use a hand mirror to get a closer look and now I'm concerned as blisters are forming and MY GOD does it HURT!
Ringworm causes burning.... maybe I'm being a wuss. On goes more Lotrimin and a bandaid because I don't want to spread it. I choose my outfit for the evening. Not the dress I had wanted to wear because it was short and showed the swelling and bandaid, but a nice little hi-lo number I've had for a while with no opportunity to wear it. My leg is on fire, but I promised my friend We'll call her Welsh) a night out for her birthday weeks ago and I wasn't going to let her down.
I'd been feeling crappy all day, cramps, a slight headache, but I figured it was the long stressful week and that time of month we females all look forward to... We had a good night out. I may have had a glass of wine too many, but all in all, a good night. When I woke, however, my leg was red. Lobster red. And it was painful to walk, but I sucked it up. Firefighter was on his way from church and we were expected at dinner for Father's Day with his sister's family. I suffered through, despite a lack of sleep, pain and nausea. Once or twice, he told me to go on and go and he'd make my excuses for me, but I stuck it out. When I got home however.... It was more Lotrimin and then bed.
I had a morning appointment at the courthouse (starting to loathe that place, but the guards all know me and smile, so that's nice), then I elected to stop by the doctor's office and make sure it wasn't infected. As is my ridiculous habit, I went commando. I was wearing a maxi dress and it was hot! Anyway, trying to show the top of my thigh without showing my goods, was, um, challenging, then I said screw it, she's a doctor!
So you know you're in for a surprise, when the doctor looks at your rash and says "Hmmm, well I haven't seen that before." And she did her rotation in dermatology. Not good. Then she snapped a pic. Also not good. I was sent home with Doxycycline and instructions for care along with a giant black Sharpie circle around the red swelling. Ostensibly so I could check the efficacy of the medication.
I'm pleased to say that after 24 hours the swelling was down significantly, but I now have a dark red\purple bruise about the size of a silver dollar and the blisters are still there, about the size of a quarter. I tortured myself by looking up black widow bites and brown recluse bites and found images from both that look like what I have. Necrosis hasn't set in, so I'm hopeful... but it hurts. I spend half the day dizzy, the other half sleepy, but I did manage to get in a few hours work today. A special thanks to Welsh, My Past and Firefighter for checking on me at least twice a day each and offering to help. My stubborn, independent side didn't cave and accept, but I appreciate the offers.
Fingers crossed there won't be permanent scarring and I sincerely hope whatever eight-legged freak bit me, had it's own little visit from karma....
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Holy crap! What do I do now?
Uh, yeah... so the other half of what happened on Monday.
Baby Girl had a friend coming to hangout at our pool. I was not aware of this fact until, oh maybe 10 minutes beforehand. Turns out the Bully in our neighbourhood kinda likes this girl who is friends with my daughter. We'll call her Ballerina, because, well, she dances ballet...
This is getting complicated with the players....
Anyway. Ballerina arrived at the gate to the pool and I went to let her in, but there was a younger girl with her who she introduced as her sister (we'll call her Gannet (a small bird that eats ANYTHING) and said that her mother wanted to meet me. Now that's fine with me, but I had no shoes on. And it was HOT. So I figured I would make it quick, say hi and then get back in the shade....
Her first response when I reached the car (she did not get out) was "Well..... you're black!"
So those who know me, know that sarcasm sometimes drips from me uncontrolled.... I had to take a deep breath before responding, but I still managed to sneak in the insult anyway: "Yep, I am. Sure am." (Whilst looking at my arms and legs... I followed up with "Her (Baby Girl) father's white and my mother is white, so Baby Girl is actually a quarter black too..."
Ballerina is white. Her mother is white. Gannet... is mixed. Like me. So my confusion was whether this mother was just slightly on the racist side or if she was just genuinely shocked that Baby Girl had a black, biological parent.
And not unsurprisingly, the mother followed up with questions about where I get my hair braided, etc etc....
"So you don't mind watching her then? She doesn't swim."
Uhhhhhh..... I beg your pardon? My understanding was that my daughter's friend was coming to hangout, not that I would also be babysitting the 6 year old, non-swimming sister. My kids are fish and require minimal supervision. I had planned to hole up in a corner with a book. AND the girl liked to eat, but was not provided with any snacks or sustenance....
Suffice it to say the mother made a very poor impression on me. Baby Girl was told in very clear language that the younger sister was not to accompany Ballerina again. (Ballerina is very nice by the way, no problems there)
What kind of parent leaves their child with someone she's never met? I mean, what an imposition! I later came to find out that both girls were adopted. I have very serious concerns about the placement of children with these parents. Had they been foster children I might have called social services....
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
So I'm new to this whole pet ownership thing. I'm not fond of them. In fact, they just annoy me. Drooling, licking, shedding etc... But when Onyx started scooting around on her front paws with her butt in the air making the worst, most god-awful whining sound, I have to say that even I was concerned. She had been fine that morning so I had to wonder what had happened. This happened on Saturday, but after Firefighter and I had drank close to 3 bottles of wine Friday night, I was feeling too delicate to take her to the vet. And then she suddenly seemed to be ok again, so I didn't feel bad. I decided if she did it again, I would take her.
Well Sunday was spent with Firefighter; first lunch, then a movie at his place before I had to pick Bad Boy and Lil One up from their dad (I'm not even going to start on how much he pissed me off this weekend because this story is much better without it), so I asked Baby Girl if Onyx was ok and she said yeah, she seemed much better.
Monday however, she was doing it again.... She had been super clingy for the last couple of days and I worried that something was horribly wrong, so I chased the Brats to get ready for the pool. We'd take her to the vet, then go straight to the pool.... The first vet wasn't open (dang holidays!), but PetSmart was, so in we go.
Side bar here while I mention how petrified the poor thing was in the car! She was trembling and every little jerk (I drive a stick shift) had her cowering!
Anyway, we walk up to the Banfield reception and I ask if a vet is available. The conversation was as follows:
Receptionist "Have you been here before?"
Receptionist "Let me see if a doctor is available. What's wrong with her?"
Me "She seems to be favouring her butt... creeping along on her paws whining, or crying" I was actually quite mortified having to describe this to the Receptionist.
Receptionist "Has she been spayed?"
Me "No, she's an indoor cat. Is that something I should think about doing?"
(Now the Receptionist is smiling)
Receptionist "She's in heat" (Me groaning) "You don't have to if she's a house cat."
So apparently, I should do some reading up on cats.... How embarrassing to traipse the whole family into the vet only to find out that she's just horny... smh.
As we were leaving PetSmart Lil One piped up "So it's the heat that's bothering her?" I shared a glance with Baby Girl who just laughed at me. I whispered to her that there was no way I was going to try explaining 'in heat' to my 8 year old son... She giggled and tried to instigate more until I threatened to not take them to the pool. That shut the lil wench up!
Firefighter also found it amusing when I told him later that afternoon while we were getting ready to grill the food.... He Googled the symptoms while I confirmed that she had indeed been doing all of the above. I'm glad he found it so funny.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
The number of children I have come across lately that do not know they are children is shocking!
Case in point:
Last night I was enjoying a book and a glass of wine on my porch while I let the kids run around and blow off steam, when the neighbour's son came over to talk to Bad Boy. These are the EXACT words he said, in front of me, to my son: "Get on your bike. And where's <Baby Girl>. I need help with my homework. Get her out here now." So, I took a deep breath, turned to look him square in the eye and told him "She's inside doing her chores and has EOG's to study for. She will not be able to help you." When what I really wanted to say was "Did you parents not teach you how to converse with other people?" I have met his parents. I'm being kind when I say that they are perhaps from another social caste than I was raised in....
After dinner, I elected to go for a walk with my children. This same brat invited himself along. I was not happy.
So given that they are our new neighbours, this situation is obviously quite tenuous. I made sure to tell my children later that I did not appreciate the way he spoke to either them or myself and that I better not hear of my children speaking to anyone that way.
We always hear that racism is not something we are born with and this is of course true. It is a learned behaviour, either at home or from peers, but so are the many virtues that seem to have been forgotten! I've referenced this list from Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_virtues where they have divided the various virtues into the following categories:
And of course, the virtue I'm particularly referring to is a social virtue Politeness that falls under "Respect". Is it really too much to teach your children how they should properly talk to people? Perhaps if he had approached the situation like this "Do you want to ride your bike with me? And is <Baby Girl> able to help me with my homework today? Is she busy?" maybe my response would have been similar, but I would have tagged on "She may be able to help you for a half hour or so, but she really needs to focus on her studying"...
I am frequently complimented on how polite my children are when they go to other people's homes, which makes me guilty of the sin of Pride, but it's worth it to know that my children listen to me even if they don't practice those same virtues at home.... smh!
Friday, May 16, 2014
My daughter is typically a quiet person, but lately she has been coming out of her shell and speaking up for herself. The son of a neighbour, who used to be her best friend, in recent years has become a pain. For both her and myself.
I won't go into the specifics of what exactly he did, because it would take too long and only get me riled up again. It was a minor squabble between friends and I admit I initially downplayed it. Until last night when I sat Baby Girl down and had her walk me through the entire timeline. This after I had spoken to the Vice Principle who stated that because she hadn't seen any incidents, she couldn't comment on whether any bullying had taken place, but she had spoken to both children and was satisfied that they would simply stay away from each other. My daughter had texted me immediately prior to the phone call to tell me that when she went to speak to the teacher, she had called the situation stupid. Now Baby Girl is only 14... and we all know that there is a tendency to exaggerate, but I told the teacher that I wasn't happy that she had not taken my daughters grief at the situation seriously. I found out when my daughter got home that the teacher, a VICE PRINCIPLE had pulled her out of class to demand to know if she had called me to say that she had said it was stupid!!!
Pulled my child out of class because her sensibilities were wounded!!
Suffice it to say, the Principle will be seeing the not-so-friendly side of me today. My further emails yesterday were unanswered. The boy who instigated the trouble gets off scott-free as usual and faces no ramifications for his actions.
I don't care that there are only two weeks left of the school year. They are going to the same high school, riding the same bus everyday... more angst is bound to ensue. His mother doesn't help the situation either. Her son can do no wrong and this isn't the first time she's come to my door and made MY child cry because of something HER child did!
The battle lines have been drawn!
I'm off to deal with a bullying Vice Principle....
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Yes, my kids love me. I'm a harsh, but fair parent and they have everything they need and want... My marriage was an epic failure, but not for lack of me trying and to be honest getting out was the absolute best thing I could have done for myself and my children. Relationships are my weak point. I'm close to my uncle, my older sister and my best friend since we were 4 years old, but that's about it. I have always hated that one aspect of being a military brat... I was never anywhere long enough to establish long term friendships (except for TeaCake, but she gets me and we've never fallen out). It makes it hard for me to get close to friends now, because they typically already have their 'close' circle, and I just float on the outside. I still haven't figured out why some folks aren't talking to me...
But the one thing I do get right.... my job. I'm sitting in my home office, where I now work full time, after having dropped the kids off at their various bus stops on time this morning. I made a sizable dent in cleaning out the junk (enough that I now have my monitors and docking station etc set up) and just need to sort out the filing.. The cat is driving me crazy getting into everything and there is still a giant TV in here that needs to GO, but I feel awesome. Yesterday I put a call in to my previous colleague and a large CRO to get some information on a product that we used to use there, and the first thing he said is "When are you coming back? We need you" Apparently, SharePoint went to Hell after I left. I told him that sadly they couldn't afford me anymore and he figured that was the case.
So in the last couple of months, I've been offered an amazing senior position, negotiated a better deal where I'm at when they said they didn't want me to go (the deal included a large pay increase, work from home, early conversion to FTE as well as a host of other benefits. So if nothing else, I can at least say I've done that right. Long hours, hard work... of course, I will still be encouraging my brats to go to college, but I am still proud of my accomplishments over the last 17 years.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
First of all, it's my beautiful Baby Girl's 14th birthday. I had a proud mama moment when she asked if I could buy her a dress to wear to school today. Then she spent hours last night washing and straightening her own hair.... Wait... Proud mama?? Scared mama!! She's primping now! High school is a mere few months away! Crap!
Secondly, today my promotion is official! Yay!! And I get to work from home. So after taking the boys to the bus, coming home to help make sure Baby Girl's hair looked awesome and driving her up the street to the bus stop. I have now tidied the family room, cooked a sausage, egg and cheese omelette with toast and cleaned the kitchen, taken the trash out.... Checked email...
If I play my cards right, I'll be able to get the laundry done and bags packed for the beach this weekend in between dealing with client issues and deploying solutions... And wrap birthday gifts, grab lunch, get a shower and still have energy to take Baby Girl for the traditional birthday dinner at her favourite Italian...
DBAGuy says I'm going to wear myself out. This after he drove all the way out last night to help with the brats since I developed a migraine and almost fainted in the store. I'm not sure him laughing at my prescription-med induced rambling really counts as 'helping', but actually having help with the brats was definitely a God-send! Anytime you can text someone, tell them you almost passed out and they drop what they're doing to come make sure you're OK, you know you have a friend. AND he offered to take Baby Girl to get her cupcakes! So there's a trip to my neurologist in my future since this is the second episode in 3 weeks where I've almost fainted dead away.... DBAGuy's making me go!
Friday, April 25, 2014
But it so accurately describes Douchebag.
Summer is barely 7 weeks away and the boys' father still has not notified me of which weeks he would like to have them for their vacation. I have emailed him no less than four times in the last two months, but until this week, I had very little in the way of specific plans for them and so was in no real hurry. However, out of the blue on Sunday, my dad asked to have them for a couple of weeks. I know. I was shocked too! So now, I need to buy plane tickets!
Side bar: The court order stipulates that they are supposed to reside with the custodial parent during their time, but I plan on getting that changed and I don't see a judge having a problem with them spending time with their biological parent - especially since their father claims to be such great friends with him!
Anyway, given that I sent an email on Sunday and Douchebag had not responded within a reasonable amount of time, I went ahead and booked their flights to Chicago this morning.... And then emailed Douchebag to let him know which weeks were still available for summer.
"I have been quite busy and have not been able to review when I will have the boys this summer. Per the court order "I" choose my vacation dates for the boys, not you. I will let you know exactly when I will have my summer vacation with the boys in due time."
So this was expected. And I was prepared:
Respectfully, the order does NOT stipulate that you get to chose your vacation weeks. I'm sure the intention of the court is for us to discuss and agree on mutually convenient plans for our children. I have been patient and accommodating in previous years, however my family has asked to spend time with them and it was necessary to make plans sooner rather than later. I have copied the relevant clause in the order relating to summer vacation below:
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Anyway, this friend, who shall hereafter be known as DBAGuy, used to work with me at a former employer (hence the name DBAGuy, he was my goto DBA) and is going through a difficult time in his marriage. In a nutshell, he's miserable and wants out, but can't figure out how, so he reached out to me to ask how I did it. Well, he didn't know the struggle I went through and am still going through, so it was a bit of an eye-opener for him. Not the actual legal act of separating, but how bad it got before I made the move. You see, his wife is similar to Douchebag. Oh, not the physical violence, but the asshole attitude, the selfishness etc. The more he explained it to me, the more I felt for him. Sympathy, empathy, grief even. You can tell he was really trying to make it work, but he's gotten himself into the same cycle I got into. A few good weeks and then a few bad, some discussion, and then back to a few good weeks... and so it goes on.
A couple of weeks ago, while I was attempting to relax and enjoy a hard-earned, overly-expensive trip to Jamaica, he asked if we could talk via Skype. He was in a very bad place and had been drinking heavily for a few days. During the 2 or 3 hour conversation (thank God for the free wi-fi), he made a statement that caught me, and I have to agree with him. He hasn't told anyone else about his marital issues, not even family, in large part, he says, because he doesn't want to hear the usual platitudes "It is what it is", "Do what you can", You're strong, you'll get through this". He thanked me for being there for him because not once had I ever used one on him. It knocked me into silence for a few minutes, (during which time he thought the connection had been dropped) but I came back and told him truthfully that it was because in the 3 years I had been going through it, not once had it helped me to hear that "I'm strong". I know I am, but when you are in the middle of a battle to save your children's home, dealing with the emotions and recovering from being a battered wife (yes, diagnosed as such), keeping a smile on your face becomes the most exhausting thing in the world. And on top of that my own family has barely been there for me, even lumping their own (relatively insignificant problems) onto my shoulders because I'm "the rock".
DBAGuy asks me how I'm doing and genuinely CARES about the answer. When I told him the gory details he actually responded with "Wow, no one had any idea you were even going through any of that". So he's become my pseudo-therapist. It's cathartic to be able to speak to him and his responses are not to placate me, they are to help me. He helped me make a decision between the two fabulous job offers; he's listened to and talked me through the myriad issues of having a teenage daughter and as a result my relationship with her is improving; he invites himself over with a bottle of wine and we talk for hours. I haven't got to the point where I'm comfortable enough to cry in front of him yet, but I haven't felt the need to blog about what's going on because I've had someone there.
I'm a firm believer that people come into our lives at certain times for a reason, so although I worked with him a while ago, we really didn't start hanging out in social settings until after I'd left the company, but right around mid-October when I was starting to hit rock bottom, is when he started to open up and talk to me about his issues. I didn't start talking until after Christmas, but that's because it takes me a while to trust now. I still have so many hurdles, and so many bad days, but the hurdles seem slightly less daunting, the bad days have a friend at the end of the phone ready with a bottle of wine and I feel a little more confident that I can and will get through it. He has taught me that I am worthy and I deserve more.
And he will always have a special place in my heart.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
1. It's less expensive
2. My favourite wine can only be bought locally at Total Wine, and they tend to run out very quickly, so I'm lucky if I can get a bottle every couple of weeks...
Last night I put my last bottle in the fridge to chill.
Today I decided to call ahead and ask if they have some in stock. They started the day with two cases, so Tom the Salesguy asked if I wanted him to hold a case. Well, of course I do! So then he asks for my name...
I give him my last name... He responds "Oh of course!"
Ugh!! Drink here much?? They recognise my name over the phone?
Bless his heart he tried to help me out and tell me he recognised the accent, but same difference, right?
So now they know me by name at my local Total Wine... Fabulous...
Who cares. I still get my case of wine this evening ;-)
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Really I do.
But it always boggles my mind that the only place they seem able to find toilet paper is in my bathroom!! So after a night of heavy drinking (there were 4 empty bottles of wine when I went downstairs this morning and only two of us drinking them...) I go into my bathroom to find the roll missing from the holder and from the cupboard!! I mean really? WTF?
For the record.... There are 20 rolls in the pantry downstairs....
Sunday, March 9, 2014
This weekend was full of ups and downs. The boys constant squabbling, Baby Girl almost ran away, but we still managed to have an awesome time at the circus. Firefighter got wasted watching the UNC-Dook game and was hungover Sunday. I made pancakes, eggs, sausages and bacon for breakfast before watching movies with Firefighter all day before dinner with his sister and brother-in-law. By the end of Sunday, I was pooped but happy :-)
It's been a long time coming, but I actually felt pretty good for the first time in forever.
So the kids are all in bed and I get to chillax watching Parenthood on Netflix even though I know I should be asleep.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Like snow days that happen on a Saturday...
Baby Girl has been challenging lately. Rebellious. So when she had a snow day scheduled for this morning and the boys and I did not, I thought it poetic justice that we would be lounging in bed while she went to school for a few hours... Sucked only a little bit that I had to get up at 6am to make sure that she got to the bus - no way was I getting dressed to drive her.
So at 6am, I go bang on her door and generally make a lot of annoying noises until she went in the bathroom.... While I checked my email on my phone. And saw that the snow day had been canceled.
Ahhhhhh sweet revenge... I may have waited 20 minutes before telling her :-) Oooopps!!
Then when I did tell her, she comes in my room and says "what do I do now? I'm wide awake."
"You could finish the chores you didn't do yesterday or all last week...."
"Can I make pancakes?"
"Sure... for everyone."
And I settled back down to watch Law and Order SVU on DVR.
Love Saturday mornings with my brats!!
Now if only she would be dressed and ready to go to the circus with the rest of us by the time Firefighter gets here at 1pm...
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
I was never proposed to. Not officially. And I never got an engagement ring. So when I see these guys going out of their way to publicly declare their love for their fiancees, the inner girl in me wonders why it was never her.
That's probably why I have chosen to enter a pseudo-relationship with someone who has repeatedly declared that they never want to marry. It insulates me from the disappointment that I will never be that girl.
Don't get me wrong. This is not a pity party. I just don't seem to be the type of girl that brings out the romantic in the guys I date. In 11 years with Douchebag, he only bought me diamond earrings for my first birthday with him... after that, he either came up with last minute dinner plans or some lame gift. He used to send me flowers when I was 3000 miles away, but when I was 5 miles away... he would forget to call to cancel plans, or show up late - hours late - with no apology. He only bought me lingerie after I got a restraining order... 10 years into the relationship and as it was ending. Talk about Too Late! And yes, I still question my sanity in deciding to stay in that relationship as long as I did!
I did meet one guy recently who gave me beautiful pink roses after our second dinner date, and was too embarrassed to ask me to a military ball with him (but he has managed to ask me on several dates, yes, weird). He's a great guy. Attentive and considerate, but sadly I'm not at all physically attracted to him. Any other time, I would have let that cloud my judgement, but we have a lot in common with the military background and have great conversations. He checks on me daily and remembers things I've told him, so I've stepped outside my comfort zone and decided to see where it leads. (He's also the first to not make any inappropriate overtures and respects my position as a single mother).
I had almost given up on dating, but decided to go on just one more when he asked me to dinner a couple of weeks ago. So maybe there'll be more flowers in my future....
And I'm looking forward to going to the ball!
Sunday, February 23, 2014
A girlfriend and I took our kids to a Discover the Dinosaurs exhibit yesterday thinking it would be a good day out for the boys. And it was. For the boys. Sort of.
The tickets for the kids were $22. And the advertising led us to believe that included EVERYTHING. Uh no. It included the giant Dinosaurs, the movie and the bounce houses, but not the gem mining or panning.... The part the kids wanted to do! The lines were long, crowded and noisy, the boys did enjoy themselves...
And at dinner late last night I got the most stunning bouquet of roses. He even remembered my favorite color is pink! And well, red would have been a little premature! Lol.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Friday was Valentines Day. I got an invite from a guy I had recently met online to go get lunch, so I thought what the Hell... He chose a local Indian restaurant, no problem, it's been a while since I had Indian food so I said yes. It was originally set for noon, so I left my house at 11:30, but got a phone call from the guy just as I was leaving that he was going to be late, like 12:30 instead, so I said fine and planned to stop by Jared's on my way to pick up something special for Baby Girl for Valentine's. I got delayed when I got the most inept sales guy (not the cute one), who couldn't figure out how to plug in a code to give me $100 in rewards cash towards my purchase... So I called and said I would be just a couple minutes (it was now 12:20). He said fine, he was still at the house, but said he only lived around the corner from the restaurant so he would wait a couple minutes before leaving....
I got there about 12:35... no sign of the guy. So I call him again. He's on his way he says. Car's already warmed up he says. When he does finally arrive, he's on the phone!! Who does that?
Finally we're seated at 12:45. He's still talking on his phone. I have a 2pm conference call, and it's a 20 minute drive home, so this is already a waste of time at this point.
Anyway, turns out, he's pretty cute, nice guy, not quite the "athletic and toned" that he claimed, more like a few extra pounds, but I'm trying not to be shallow, although the white lie irked me.
So if those weren't enough red flags...
He asked what my evening plans were, so I said I was going to a jazz concert with a friend. Then he wanted to dig and ask details about the friend. Uh. Personal. Nunya!! So that was a major turn off. He continued to quiz me about my evening plans all the way to my car and then made me late for my call...
And then he texts me later wanting me to let him know how my evening went! Including whether or not a I got laid! Seriously?? This guy knows NO boundaries.
Anyway, I'm glad my sister got a kick out of it when I called her to tell her.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
And I got my first Valentine's text from a guy I haven't heard from since Christmas. I'll call him Salsa, because he's latino and dances. He's also a personal trainer that I thought about hiring. He's also a couple years younger than me. That seems to be the pattern lately. I should be flattered I guess.
The debate is do I go wine tasting with the sales guy who has been asking me on the daily? I wasn't subtle and let him know that I'm not really into doing the casual dating thing, just to see if that chased him away. It didn't. I reminded him I have 3 children. That didn't bother him either. So we'll see. I have to go back to Jared's at some point this week to pick up a necklace... when the roads are safe again.
Oh what the Hell.... can't hurt to test the waters, can it? My sister married a younger man.... surely I can date one for a little bit? Don't all divorcees go a little crazy?
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
I had taken my grandmother's ring to be reset and repaired yesterday morning so naturally I was dressed appropriately for work. There is this very cute young sales guy who works there who helped me pick out Baby Girl's Pandora gift at Christmas who not very subtly tried to find out my marital status back in December. He was working yesterday, but wasn't the first to get to me as he was already assisting another couple. So I fill out the paperwork, pay the $200 (Yes, for a ring I inherited! Although my grandmother is still alive and well.) and head in to the office. It was supposed to be ready by 5:30, but I had an appointment at the gym, so I went over after 6pm...
This is where he was not so subtle. He was assisting another guy again when I came in sweaty and very unattractive from the gym. Another sales guy came over and took the paperwork and went to look for the ring, but couldn't find it, so the young guy gets rid of his potential customer and comes over to 'help'. The older guy, obviously in cahoots, then skidaddles to "let him handle it with his young eyes"....
He finds the ring and starts the paperwork. Now, I've had them repair jewelry for me before. Once they have the return slip from me, there is nothing else to do except hand the item over. This guy wants to procrastinate. And starts dropping hints to ask about getting something special for Valentine's. So I told him I had been in two days before to buy myself something sparkly. So then he asks if I like reggae. I do, but not as a preference, but here's where I actually broke out in a grin: "the club I work at is having a reggae night Friday, you should come". Two things: reggae, to me, is not romantic; what quicker way to find out if a chick has a significant other than to invite her to a gig on Valentine's Day? Not subtle at all. He might as well have just come right out and asked if I was booed up....
I politely declined telling him that I already have tickets to a jazz concert Friday, but then he reaches into his pocket and hands me a card with his name and number on it. Hand written on it, not a Jared's business card....
So since I had plans Friday, he said that they have another band playing on Saturday, but i have no idea what I will be doing Saturday so I took the card and told him I have a friend who loves Reggae and maybe she'll want to go....
It put a smile on my face to get hit on, even while sweaty and not made up :-) And I have at least 10 years on him!!
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Well, not really surprised to get the call, but expected it to come on a weekend, not in the middle of my work day...
And it was fortuitous timing as I had just had a truly awful morning. We seem to have that connection sometimes. I didn't want to talk to her, I was still pretty upset, but she's persistent and kept at me anyway. Until I finally spilled the beans about what I'd been going through for the last month and to be honest, it felt really good to finally cry. I really needed it. And it was only made worse by her saying that she wished she could be here in person for me to soak her shoulder properly. So even though I know the call was prompted not only by the email, but also by me ignoring them all on Facebook, I still desperately needed someone to talk to. I love her to pieces and I'm glad she's in tune with her ESP. An hour and a half on the phone and I was at least able to get through the rest of my day.
And then Firefighter seemed to be tuned in as well, as barely two hours later I get a text from him asking how my week had been so far. We have agreed that he will come hang out at my place with me and the brats on Friday so we can both get drunk and vent about our weeks.
It was a long day all around yesterday having woken up at 3am, I worked out at 5am, cooked myself breakfast before getting the kids up, was at work by 8am, then met with my attorneys at 10am, which is when things went downhill... so then I went to the mall for some retail therapy, before lunch at Hooters with the fellas... I couldn't face going back to work at all until my sister called and talked me through it. So after leaving work at 5:15, scooping up the boys and then going to the gym for an hour, I didn't get home until 7:30, then had to go back out to the store for dinner for the brats (Lil One also needed some stuff for a project so he came with me). It was after 8pm before they got to eat, and then after I took a shower Lil One read to me (I almost fell asleep) and then I helped him answer questions about Teddy Roosevelt.... I was EXHAUSTED! But for the first time in I don't know how long, I slept for 8 hours!
So I'm a little better today. Still angry, but I have an action plan which gives me something to focus on. And hey... the weekend is only a day away. It's another busy one!
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
I've spent the last couple of days trying to figure out what exactly my issue is, but I haven't come up with an answer yet. The insecurities are still there, that I will never be good enough. That no man will ever say those three words to me again and mean it. That they will love me for me. I still over-compensate in an effort to gain approval.
My comfort level with Firefighter is that I know it will never happen, which makes it easy to just be with him and be me. I don't have to try and win him over because he has already said it will never happen. So instead of trying to find that guy, I get to just kick back with someone who is totally perfect, but I have no fear of disappointing. A cynical view, I know, but I get to love him and treat him as a boyfriend knowing that one day he will move on, and it won't be unexpected. It might be tomorrow, next week, or next year, but the inevitable will happen. I'm not the kind of girl that a guy falls in love with and I am on my way to accepting that.
I'm apparently good enough in bed, but not a keeper.
So yes, caught off-guard by his friends question, I may have over-reacted and been a little emphatic in my denial of that event ever happening, but it was part self-preservation, part fear and part get-the-denial-out-before-he-does. I didn't pay attention to Firefighter's reaction.
Friday, January 31, 2014
I love getting out! And thanks to Ms Pope, I actually have someone to get out with!! I hate that I don't have a special someone to make our threesome, four, but all in good time. And Mr Pope (I need a better name for him) is awesome. I sincerely hope that they go the distance because he is perfect for her.
It hurts that another very good friend of mine seems to have dropped the friendship, despite my having reached out a few times, but it appears to be her decision to end it. I have missed her terribly, but they say people come and go for a reason and she decided that it was time to go.
So anyway, I have started finding ways to get out and I have gotten used to going solo. Firefighter is still there, in the background, but it needs to be his decision on how far in the background he is. We're going to a Tyler Perry play tomorrow that I'm actually a little nervous of. It very closely mirrors my life and I tried to discourage him from going, but he had accepted back in December and still wants to go. Our Pastor at church tends to echo what's going on in my life as well, which has been very useful in helping me get to where I am today mentally and emotionally. I just don't want him thinking I had ulterior motives in inviting him, I just truly enjoy his company.
The next couple of months include movies, dinners, plays, jazz concerts and hopefully a couple of trips out of town.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
My reason for this was to avoid 'rebounding'.
Oh don't get me wrong. I was completely done with Douchebag and knew there would be NO going back, but I gave myself time to make sure that the anger and bitterness was gone. And the drama. Oh my goodness I was so done with the drama! So I feel like I did the right thing. Waiting. It also gave me time to decide what kind of relationship I wanted and with what kind of man. So for the first 2-3 months I got the craziness out of my system. I found a 'f*ck buddy', and then had a few dates with some other guys of different calibers and was able to identify the characteristics that I really liked or disliked.
But ultimately I decided that I don't want to be in a conventional relationship. And 3 years on, I'm still not interested in living with a guy again. I love what Firefighter and I have had for the last 18 months (wow, has it been that long?). Some don't understand, but it works for both of us. Ok, so sometimes I miss words of affection, but there is a level of caring between us that goes beyond mere friendship and stops just short of uncomfortable emotion. Although, I think both he and I have experienced moments where we need to take a step back and breathe.
So after deciding that I should date other guys, I also set my own rules for doing so:
1. There will be no settling. At the first sign of a red flag, I move on.
2. There will be nothing more physical than a hug or maybe a kiss. If they are truly interested, they will wait.
3. Have standards. Don't make excuses when they don't meet them.
4. Don't have more than 1 or 2 dates with the same guy in a 14 day period. This helps keep distance, but also allows me to think about which ones stay on my mind, and which ones fade, but also, I learn which one is willing to wait.
5. Do not make myself available to easily. Don't accept a date right away, but don't come off as blase' either... this is actually pretty hard to do!
Then today, I saw this, which closely echos most of my own rules that I have set http://living.msn.com/love-relationships/10-ways-to-choose-men-more-wisely. I have had to learn to value myself much more highly than I have previously. I'm also more honest with the guys that I date and let them know my standards, rather than just accepting whatever attention I get. If they cannot respect me as a female, then I don't need to be with them. And I'm actually much happier with the way things are now.
I don't know what Firefighter's thoughts are anymore, but I no longer focus on that so much as what is making me happy. I treat him well, but I learned to temper how much effort I put in.
I know people think it's what I want to hear, but honestly, right now, it's not. I am truly struggling. I feel like I have lost all support. Actually in some areas I don't even feel like I ever really had it. And the worst part of that is that it's the people who should have been in my corner from day 1. My mum for instance. She is so wrapped up in my 22 year old waste of space sister that she shows not one ounce of interest in what I'm going through. So I did something completely off the wall this morning.
I emailed my mum to tell her how neglected I have felt. It was actually very strongly worded as well, so I'm sure she will be bitching to all who will listen about how rude and inconsiderate I am, but considering how rude and inconsiderate my lil sister has been for the last 10 years, I figured maybe that's how I was supposed to get her attention. I rammed it down her throat. In a nutshell, I told her that I was hurt that she has spent the last 3+ years focusing on someone who's biggest issue was their own selfishness and sense of self-importance, while I have struggled through domestic violence, financial hardships, a growing and maturing teen, lawyers, courts, subpoena's, all while trying to keep my head up so no one knew my struggle, least of all my children for whom I'm trying to provide as normal a childhood as I can while minimizing the emotional and psychological damage their father is doing his damnedest to inflict. In recent months, I've had to be selfish and put myself first, losing friends, because, to be honest, I couldn't deal. I could no longer pretend I was OK so I could help with other people's issues. I have too many that I am juggling. Most of them are Do or Die. I cannot drop the ball on any of them because then the rest will tumble down around me.
To add insult to injury, her response to my email? Let me know when you've mailed the check so I can put it in the bank.... Uh, yeah, that suddenly became less important and I bought a pair of Jimmy Choo boots with the money instead. Why? Because I'm choosing selfish over my sister for a change. I EARNED those boots, I can't say that my sister earned any money from me.
Bitchy? Yes. Do I care? No.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
And it was, but when I went to the court website to look for the new date yesterday, it wasn't updated and they're usually pretty good about keeping it current on a daily basis, so I waited until mid-afternoon and called to speak to the DV court clerk. She's awesome and over the last 12 months or more I've spoken to her several times. She was the one in fact who told me that Douchebag is not particularly popular in the courthouse. She remembered the case and grabbed the notes, but said that she hadn't been able to calendar a new date because the DA had made a note:
"Wow! Need more time. New witnesses in Raleigh PD need to be subpoenaed"
So now we're both intrigued. Douchebag was arrested in Wake Forest and transported straight to the jail downtown... What on earth could Raleigh PD bring to the case? They are witnesses for the Prosecution. I haven't yet spoken to the DA at all. Or not since the case went to court last year. So I have to wait until Friday afternoon, when the DA calendars the hearing, but the clerk did say that it's unlikely to get continued too many more times so I should get closure by at least March... which is when the current restraining order expires. She's totally awesome and said she'll find out what she can about RPD's involvement.
Thinking back over all the times I've called the police in the last 8 years, they were all incidents where he had hit me or caused some kind of trouble, including violating the protective order. So now I have to wonder what will happen. If he gets serious jail time that's a huge hit to me financially. He's playing mind games with Bad Boy again, and is allegedly planning to file for custody (this still makes me laugh though as the likelihood of him succeeding at this point is so remote), but it's still an inconvenience and annoyance to have to wait so long for justice to be served.
The last 4 or 5 months have worn me out. I'm ready for it to be done so I can move on. I hate that he still has so much control over me. I hate even more that he has taken away every support I had to help me get through. I hate even more having to struggle through alone. I hate hearing "you'll manage, you're strong", when all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I hate pretending I'm ok because no one really wants to help anyway. But I just keep smiling.... and pretending.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
I can't say anything much more than that! I had been looking forward to it since Monday night when it all came together and I got tickets to one of the HOTTEST games of the year. The San Francisco 49ers playing in a Divisional Playoff game against the Carolina Panthers, right here in North Carolina. So I bought two tickets and spent the next 24 hours agonizing over who to take with me.
I didn't want to take one of the new guys I had just met, because well, a weekend away after only a couple of dates? Uhhhh... no. Even though one of them is a Niners fan too, I just wasn't ready to spend all that time with someone I'm not 100% convinced I really like a whole lot. I seem to have become fussy!! No longer content to just settle on the first guy who lavishes flattering words on me. The other option of course was Firefighter. Not a Niners fan, he was very supportive of me during the last two seasons.... And I like his company, but did I really want to spend that money on him? Meh... And finally, there was Vegas, a guy I met on my way home from San Francisco in 2012, he's also a huge Niners fan, but much older and I'm not sure I really want to date anyone more than 8 years older than me....
So Firefighter it was. I kinda asked him in a roundabout way and let him know that he wasn't my only option. I refused to tell him how much the tickets were, but appeased him by letting him pay for dinner. He got off cheap!
I picked him up a little earlier than planned and hit the road at the tail end of a nasty storm, but the drive was quiet. Literally. Very few cars and very little talking, but that's how I am on the road. I get in the zone.
We arrived at our hotel and had an awesome 2 room King suite. Dropped our bags and headed to Jocks and Jills to watch the game. Firefighter made a joke about should have brought his gun since I was wearing the Kaepernick shirt he bought me for Christmas, but then we walked inside and saw a sea of Niners fan :-)
That shut him up.
We had appetizers during the first game and ordered dinner during the second. And had amazing conversation the whole time. I think maybe the no texting is working for us since we now have more to talk about in person.
I always like that we are totally comfortable on the couch under a blanket watching TV or a movie. I have never been so happy doing absolutely nothing. One thing Douchebag did not like to do was just sit and watch TV with me. Firefighter and I have just the right amount of 'excursions' to make the lazy weekends enjoyable. We were in bed by 10pm, lol. What a pair of oldies!! Of course we didn't go straight to sleep, but I'm saving those details for myself.
Sunday dawned beautiful and sunny, we breakfasted early, chilled in our suite watching old Law and Order's before heading for the Lynx train to downtown.... where we stepped off behind the Westin, which just happened to be where the Niners were staying and they were leaving as we walked up!! An omen perhaps?
Yes!! We tailgated with a large contingency of Niner's "Spartans" out of Georgia and THE Dr John York, former owner of the Niners showed up to hand out terror towels!! I stood barely half a foot away while he handed me one of the last ones!
I won't dissect the game. All you really need to know is that the Niners won! Perfect end to a stunning weekend! The drive back was 3.5 hours, not 2, but it was peaceful. You know that moment when you can sit next to someone for 3+ hours and barely speak, but still be ok with it.... yeah, like that :-)
Friday, January 3, 2014
There are a few prospects hanging around. They all seem too nervous to start anything. More than one of them has asked how they're doing... Um, it's not a competition. Just be you and if it works, then it works.
I'm still wondering if I should have agreed to do something with Firefighter tonight. I'm not really pushing him away, just trying to give us both space. A couple of nights ago he tried having our usual text conversation and I have to say I was actually too tired to bother. And now when I do see him, he wants to know everything that's been going on with me. Well, I'm not trying to be difficult, but I'm also not going to be a toy that you put on the shelf until you are ready to play with me. The celibacy thing is clearly going to kill me as well... 3 days in and I'm already going a little crazy, but maybe it's more to do with knowing that I can't have any, than I'm desperate for some...
So I may be meeting a new guy this evening, but honestly with this cold I don't know if I want to! If it wasn't for the fact that I will be out anyway, I wouldn't!! He seems nice, but he is newly separated, which of course makes me nervous...
Anyway, got LOTS to do today! Need winter apparel for me and the kids, take my necklace to Jared's for a new chain after breaking the very delicate one, pay the mortgage, shop around for insurance, take down the Christmas decorations and try to get my new couch delivered... Oh and get some work done!