Friday, January 31, 2014

Numero Uno

Putting myself first has certainly been eye-opening. I hadn't realised just how much of myself had been lost.

I love getting out! And thanks to Ms Pope, I actually have someone to get out with!! I hate that I don't have a special someone to make our threesome, four, but all in good time. And Mr Pope (I need a better name for him) is awesome. I sincerely hope that they go the distance because he is perfect for her.

It hurts that another very good friend of mine seems to have dropped the friendship, despite my having reached out a few times, but it appears to be her decision to end it. I have missed her terribly, but they say people come and go for a reason and she decided that it was time to go.

So anyway, I have started finding ways to get out and I have gotten used to going solo. Firefighter is still there, in the background, but it needs to be his decision on how far in the background he is. We're going to a Tyler Perry play tomorrow that I'm actually a little nervous of. It very closely mirrors my life and I tried to discourage him from going, but he had accepted back in December and still wants to go. Our Pastor at church tends to echo what's going on in my life as well, which has been very useful in helping me get to where I am today mentally and emotionally. I just don't want him thinking I had ulterior motives in inviting him, I just truly enjoy his company.

The next couple of months include movies, dinners, plays, jazz concerts and hopefully a couple of trips out of town.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

This saved my dating life!

I have been struggling with getting back into the dating game for the last two years now. I waited a moderate 'grieving period' after my separation and didn't start thinking about dating until my divorce papers were on the judges desk.

My reason for this was to avoid 'rebounding'.

Oh don't get me wrong. I was completely done with Douchebag and knew there would be NO going back, but I gave myself time to make sure that the anger and bitterness was gone. And the drama. Oh my goodness I was so done with the drama! So I feel like I did the right thing. Waiting. It also gave me time to decide what kind of relationship I wanted and with what kind of man.  So for the first 2-3 months I got the craziness out of my system. I found a 'f*ck buddy', and then had a few dates with some other guys of different calibers and was able to identify the characteristics that I really liked or disliked.

But ultimately I decided that I don't want to be in a conventional relationship. And 3 years on, I'm still not interested in living with a guy again. I love what Firefighter and I have had for the last 18 months (wow, has it been that long?). Some don't understand, but it works for both of us. Ok, so sometimes I miss words of affection, but there is a level of caring between us that goes beyond mere friendship and stops just short of uncomfortable emotion. Although, I think both he and I have experienced moments where we need to take a step back and breathe.

So after deciding that I should date other guys, I also set my own rules for doing so:

1. There will be no settling. At the first sign of a red flag, I move on.
2. There will be nothing more physical than a hug or maybe a kiss. If they are truly interested, they will wait.
3. Have standards. Don't make excuses when they don't meet them.
4. Don't have more than 1 or 2 dates with the same guy in a 14 day period. This helps keep distance, but also allows me to think about which ones stay on my mind, and which ones fade, but also, I learn which one is willing to wait.
5. Do not make myself available to easily. Don't accept a date right away, but don't come off as blase' either... this is actually pretty hard to do!

Then today, I saw this, which closely echos most of my own rules that I have set I have had to learn to value myself much more highly than I have previously. I'm also more honest with the guys that I date and let them know my standards, rather than just accepting whatever attention I get. If they cannot respect me as a female, then I don't need to be with them. And I'm actually much happier with the way things are now.

I don't know what Firefighter's thoughts are anymore, but I no longer focus on that so much as what is making me happy. I treat him well, but I learned to temper how much effort I put in.

Burned a Bridge... or two...

Please stop telling me I will get through this. I know I will, but how and who I will be on the other side are unknown.

I know people think it's what I want to hear, but honestly, right now, it's not. I am truly struggling. I feel like I have lost all support. Actually in some areas I don't even feel like I ever really had it. And the worst part of that is that it's the people who should have been in my corner from day 1. My mum for instance. She is so wrapped up in my 22 year old waste of space sister that she shows not one ounce of interest in what I'm going through. So I did something completely off the wall this morning.

I emailed my mum to tell her how neglected I have felt. It was actually very strongly worded as well, so I'm sure she will be bitching to all who will listen about how rude and inconsiderate I am, but considering how rude and inconsiderate my lil sister has been for the last 10 years, I figured maybe that's how I was supposed to get her attention. I rammed it down her throat. In a nutshell, I told her that I was hurt that she has spent the last 3+ years focusing on someone who's biggest issue was their own selfishness and sense of self-importance, while I have struggled through domestic violence, financial hardships, a growing and maturing teen, lawyers, courts, subpoena's, all while trying to keep my head up so no one knew my struggle, least of all my children for whom I'm trying to provide as normal a childhood as I can while minimizing the emotional and psychological damage their father is doing his damnedest to inflict. In recent months, I've had to be selfish and put myself first, losing friends, because, to be honest, I couldn't deal. I could no longer pretend I was OK so I could help with other people's issues. I have too many that I am juggling. Most of them are Do or Die. I cannot drop the ball on any of them because then the rest will tumble down around me.

To add insult to injury, her response to my email? Let me know when you've mailed the check so I can put it in the bank.... Uh, yeah, that suddenly became less important and I bought a pair of Jimmy Choo boots with the money instead. Why? Because I'm choosing selfish over my sister for a change. I EARNED those boots, I can't say that my sister earned any money from me.

Bitchy? Yes. Do I care? No.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Curiouser and curiouser

Douchebag was back in court Monday and although I was subpoenaed I opted not to go as the DA hadn't called me, so I assumed it was just going to be continued. Again.

And it was, but when I went to the court website to look for the new date yesterday, it wasn't updated and they're usually pretty good about keeping it current on a daily basis, so I waited until mid-afternoon and called to speak to the DV court clerk. She's awesome and over the last 12 months or more I've spoken to her several times. She was the one in fact who told me that Douchebag is not particularly popular in the courthouse. She remembered the case and grabbed the notes, but said that she hadn't been able to calendar a new date because the DA had made a note:

"Wow! Need more time. New witnesses in Raleigh PD need to be subpoenaed"

So now we're both intrigued. Douchebag was arrested in Wake Forest and transported straight to the jail downtown... What on earth could Raleigh PD bring to the case? They are witnesses for the Prosecution. I haven't yet spoken to the DA at all. Or not since the case went to court last year. So I have to wait until Friday afternoon, when the DA calendars the hearing, but the clerk did say that it's unlikely to get continued too many more times so I should get closure by at least March... which is when the current restraining order expires. She's totally awesome and said she'll find out what she can about RPD's involvement.

Thinking back over all the times I've called the police in the last 8 years, they were all incidents where he had hit me or caused some kind of trouble, including violating the protective order. So now I have to wonder what will happen. If he gets serious jail time that's a huge hit to me financially. He's playing mind games with Bad Boy again, and is allegedly planning to file for custody (this still makes me laugh though as the likelihood of him succeeding at this point is so remote), but it's still an inconvenience and annoyance to have to wait so long for justice to be served.

The last 4 or 5 months have worn me out. I'm ready for it to be done so I can move on. I hate that he still has so much control over me. I hate even more that he has taken away every support I had to help me get through. I hate even more having to struggle through alone. I hate hearing "you'll manage, you're strong", when all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I hate pretending I'm ok because no one really wants to help anyway. But I just keep smiling.... and pretending.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

What. A. Weekend!

It was fabulous.

I can't say anything much more than that! I had been looking forward to it since Monday night when it all came together and I got tickets to one of the HOTTEST games of the year. The San Francisco 49ers playing in a Divisional Playoff game against the Carolina Panthers, right here in North Carolina. So I bought two tickets and spent the next 24 hours agonizing over who to take with me.

I didn't want to take one of the new guys I had just met, because well, a weekend away after only a couple of dates? Uhhhh... no. Even though one of them is a Niners fan too, I just wasn't ready to spend all that time with someone I'm not 100% convinced I really like a whole lot. I seem to have become fussy!! No longer content to just settle on the first guy who lavishes flattering words on me. The other option of course was Firefighter. Not a Niners fan, he was very supportive of me during the last two seasons.... And I like his company, but did I really want to spend that money on him? Meh... And finally, there was Vegas, a guy I met on my way home from San Francisco in 2012, he's also a huge Niners fan, but much older and I'm not sure I really want to date anyone more than 8 years older than me....

So Firefighter it was. I kinda asked him in a roundabout way and let him know that he wasn't my only option. I refused to tell him how much the tickets were, but appeased him by letting him pay for dinner. He got off cheap!

I picked him up a little earlier than planned and hit the road at the tail end of a nasty storm, but the drive was quiet. Literally. Very few cars and very little talking, but that's how I am on the road. I get in the zone.

We arrived at our hotel and had an awesome 2 room King suite. Dropped our bags and headed to Jocks and Jills to watch the game. Firefighter made a joke about should have brought his gun since I was wearing the Kaepernick shirt he bought me for Christmas, but then we walked inside and saw a sea of Niners fan :-)

That shut him up.

We had appetizers during the first game and ordered dinner during the second. And had amazing conversation the whole time. I think maybe the no texting is working for us since we now have more to talk about in person.

I always like that we are totally comfortable on the couch under a blanket watching TV or a movie. I have never been so happy doing absolutely nothing. One thing Douchebag did not like to do was just sit and watch TV with me. Firefighter and I have just the right amount of 'excursions' to make the lazy weekends enjoyable. We were in bed by 10pm, lol. What a pair of oldies!! Of course we didn't go straight to sleep, but I'm saving those details for myself.

Sunday dawned beautiful and sunny, we breakfasted early, chilled in our suite watching old Law and Order's before heading for the Lynx train to downtown.... where we stepped off behind the Westin, which just happened to be where the Niners were staying and they were leaving as we walked up!! An omen perhaps?

Yes!! We tailgated with a large contingency of Niner's "Spartans" out of Georgia and THE Dr John York, former owner of the Niners showed up to hand out terror towels!! I stood barely half a foot away while he handed me one of the last ones!

I won't dissect the game. All you really need to know is that the Niners won! Perfect end to a stunning weekend! The drive back was 3.5 hours, not 2, but it was peaceful. You know that moment when you can sit next to someone for 3+ hours and barely speak, but still be ok with it.... yeah, like that :-)

Friday, January 3, 2014

Off to a good start

So I had a last minute lunch date today. Kind of funny because at first I really wasn't interested, but then we chatted a little more and he's a really nice guy. No kids, no drama. He took me to Bahama Breeze, where we chatted for a couple of hours and then he asked me if I wanted to do lunch again tomorrow... Uh, sure...

There are a few prospects hanging around. They all seem too nervous to start anything. More than one of them has asked how they're doing... Um, it's not a competition. Just be you and if it works, then it works.

I'm still wondering if I should have agreed to do something with Firefighter tonight. I'm not really pushing him away, just trying to give us both space. A couple of nights ago he tried having our usual text conversation and I have to say I was actually too tired to bother. And now when I do see him, he wants to know everything that's been going on with me. Well, I'm not trying to be difficult, but I'm also not going to be a toy that you put on the shelf until you are ready to play with me. The celibacy thing is clearly going to kill me as well... 3 days in and I'm already going a little crazy, but maybe it's more to do with knowing that I can't have any, than I'm desperate for some...

So I may be meeting a new guy this evening, but honestly with this cold I don't know if I want to! If it wasn't for the fact that I will be out anyway, I wouldn't!! He seems nice, but he is newly separated, which of course makes me nervous...

Anyway, got LOTS to do today! Need winter apparel for me and the kids, take my necklace to Jared's for a new chain after breaking the very delicate one, pay the mortgage, shop around for insurance, take down the Christmas decorations and try to get my new couch delivered... Oh and get some work done!