Please stop telling me I will get through this. I know I will, but how and who I will be on the other side are unknown.
I know people think it's what I want to hear, but honestly, right now, it's not. I am truly struggling. I feel like I have lost all support. Actually in some areas I don't even feel like I ever really had it. And the worst part of that is that it's the people who should have been in my corner from day 1. My mum for instance. She is so wrapped up in my 22 year old waste of space sister that she shows not one ounce of interest in what I'm going through. So I did something completely off the wall this morning.
I emailed my mum to tell her how neglected I have felt. It was actually very strongly worded as well, so I'm sure she will be bitching to all who will listen about how rude and inconsiderate I am, but considering how rude and inconsiderate my lil sister has been for the last 10 years, I figured maybe that's how I was supposed to get her attention. I rammed it down her throat. In a nutshell, I told her that I was hurt that she has spent the last 3+ years focusing on someone who's biggest issue was their own selfishness and sense of self-importance, while I have struggled through domestic violence, financial hardships, a growing and maturing teen, lawyers, courts, subpoena's, all while trying to keep my head up so no one knew my struggle, least of all my children for whom I'm trying to provide as normal a childhood as I can while minimizing the emotional and psychological damage their father is doing his damnedest to inflict. In recent months, I've had to be selfish and put myself first, losing friends, because, to be honest, I couldn't deal. I could no longer pretend I was OK so I could help with other people's issues. I have too many that I am juggling. Most of them are Do or Die. I cannot drop the ball on any of them because then the rest will tumble down around me.
To add insult to injury, her response to my email? Let me know when you've mailed the check so I can put it in the bank.... Uh, yeah, that suddenly became less important and I bought a pair of Jimmy Choo boots with the money instead. Why? Because I'm choosing selfish over my sister for a change. I EARNED those boots, I can't say that my sister earned any money from me.
Bitchy? Yes. Do I care? No.