Tough Times. Need to Vent

Sadly it's another two blog day, and this one isn't as amusing as the last one.

I hate being weak.

I'm not weak, I know this, but there are times when I honestly feel like I'm not going to make it. I took on a lot of baggage after leaving my husband. I had to find a way to pay bills, keep a large house functioning, go to work and raise three very demanding and very different children. Not to mention filing bankruptcy, dealing with the DA and the stalking trial, and keeping up with my divorce attorney's requests for paperwork. It all gets on top of me. It's little wonder that I occasionally have to retreat, gather strength so I can carry on. I have dropped the ball several times. Sometimes I've dropped more than one. But I've tried not to show it. Tried not to be a burden on others. And with the holiday season right around the corner, it's only going to get worse. I have so many things I need to do at the moment and very little time or energy to do them.

This weekend, I'm hoping to make a little money from the yard sale, being very careful not to sell anything that might be considered 'joint assets'. And then there's my 2011 taxes that need filing and paperwork for the bank to modify my mortgage all needs to be pulled together, sent in and filed (since I know they will lose it and request it AGAIN). My home office is a wreck. It's the one room in the house I can't face at the moment, but I know I need to get in there. Maybe with a large bottle of wine.

The boys need Halloween costumes and after our Come to Jesus discussion last night they have agreed to try and salvage last years costumes to save me some money. Baby Girl is grounded and will not be trick or treating this year after being a total brat on my birthday...

And then there's dating. I'm flattered that I can quite literally have my pick of bed partners... but I can't understand why it's so difficult to find someone who wants a grown up relationship. Yes, there's Firefighter and he's great, but he's not long-term. At least that's what he says. We'll see after his company "Fall Festival" this Saturday when he takes me shooting, lol!! But of all the guys that I can count on for a booty call, anytime, any day, none want to put in any effort towards actual dating. You know, like dinner and the movies. Those that do, pretty much expect the booty afterwards. With Firefighter, I have exactly what I want. We talk, have dinner, go places, and, my personal favourite - lounge around in front of the TV for hours on end. The sex is amazing and there is no drama. What could be better, right? I'm even ok with him having his place, me having mine, the only complaint is the distance between them, but since that's his only complaint, I think we're doing ok.

So I'm working through some stuff. That I should have been working through all along, but other things popped up and I put myself on a back-burner.

Arachnophobia

I have suffered from this painful affliction my entire life. And yes, I consider it to be painful!! I cannot look at on TV or in magazines, be in the same vicinity as, or even talk about the 8-legged freaks without breaking out in a sweat, spontaneous itching ALL OVER and nausea.... If the situation is such that it's high likely I might have to touch it, or something it was touching, I get panic attacks, severe anxiety and have had full-on meltdowns. It's embarrassing.

Curly used to find it amusing to smoosh them on my bedroom wall and leave them... knowing I would not be able to sleep. However, as we've gotten older, even though she still laughs at me, she will kill and remove the offending creature.

So yesterday I had a very trying day. I had very little sleep having woken up at 1:30am, but I still hit the gym, ran to the grocery store and headed home to cook dinner. I was sweaty, tired and the boys were full of random conversation that was making my head hurt... about a mile from the house, I spot a spider. On my windscreen. On the INSIDE of the windscreen.... So I grab my phone and call Baby Girl - imagine my surprise when she actually answered! In a somewhat shaky voice I ask her to meet me in the garage with 'something' to kill the damn thing. She protested.... when I arrive, she has the kitchen cleaner in her hand. 

<sigh>

So the back of the car was a mess, I had groceries to get out of the trunk, and was a wreck having driven a full mile with a spider right in front of me! I tell the boys to clean out the back seat. Lil One starts crying because 'it's not his mess', Bad Boy is teasing baby Girl who is angry about having to kill the spider.... My evening is going to Hell. So I yank everyone in the kitchen and have a come to Jesus meeting with them. It's tough trying to explain to children why money is tight and mum gets upset at being constantly asked for money for 'stuff'. I hate to be stingy, but trying to raise three children, pay a mortgage and keep up with bills is NOT easy! 

Cooking soothes me, but I had lost my appetite, so I clean up while they eat, then go upstairs to chill, get in a  little Ab Challenge workout and take a shower.

This morning, I actually slept pretty good. I got up at 5:30, woke the kids with little fuss and manage to get out the door in time to make the bus. Little did I know we would NOT be making the bus.... Halfway there, my little stowaway DROPS DOWN from the visor, right in front of my face. There's a Sheriff's car behind me, so somehow I manage to throw on my indicator and pull over to the side of the road... And YELL at the boys to KILL IT!! Of course, it retreated to it's hiding space, so after a few minutes, I decide to just drive them to school. No. Another couple miles down the road, there he is again. This time we spend 10 minutes trying to get it. Side of the road, blinkers on, how many people do you think stopped to help? Yeah, none....

So we found a Saks bag in the trunk and used that to try and chase it out of the slot between the roof and the windscreen. Eventually, I hop back in and pray all the way to school that it doesn't reappear. It didn't. Until I pulled out of the carpool lane. No problem. Walmart is around the corner. So I go straight to the tire and lube section thinking insect\bug killer will be near there somewhere and I ask the guy for help. He very kindly offers to come out to the car and kill it for me, but I say no, I can spray it, as I didn't want to pull him away from the counter.... so I now have spider and scorpion killer (yes, overkill, no I don't care). I roll the windows down.... and BLITZ the entire area!! If he ain't dead now... He's some kind of mutant! I roll on to the office, and one of the guys has offered to check the car for me before I leave. Firefighter laughed at me.... there will be retribution for that!

Back on it!

Ok. No excuses! I over-indulged this weekend. I'm 30 lbs away from my goal weight, 6" away from goal waist, it's time to get serious again. I was up at 4:30am back on my Zumba abs workout. Had a sensible meal day, oatmeal, V8 fusion, green tea, and a large sandwich, then got in 30 minutes of solid cardio at the gym. Didn't get my heart rate up where it needs to be, but I'm coming off a two month hiatus and my knees and back protested. I kept it moving when I got home by kicking off the 30 ab challenge after I'd fed the kids.

Luckily, I know my body. I've already plateaued so I know I have to really kick it up a notch to knock off another 10 lbs. The final 20 will definitely be a challenge that I'll need help with. I know my weakness and I tend to favour workouts which gets me in a rut. I'm missing a few workout videos that I use to switch it up, but I also need to be held accountable so I've reached out to some friends who workout as hard as I know I can and hopefully by Thanksgiving I'll be clearing out my wardrobe again. Much as I can't really afford it!!

The added distraction will help eat up time and keep me from pestering Firefighter. I'm doing good. Little stressed over money and court hearings, but I'm trying to hold it together. I apologized to the kids for the mini meltdown today and we're all doing good again. Minus the teen. Baby Girl is still driving me a little nuts. Think we could both do with a break from each other.  :-\

A Very Happy Birthday

I've been so tired lately that all I really wanted was to be surrounded by special people this year. And that's exactly what I got. Alright, so a couple of people were missing but they're back home in the UK.

And every now and then I get insecure about my relationship with Firefighter, but then he says or does something to make it all ok again. Well, mostly ok. I'm still confused, but I'm taking it a day at a time. I'm mostly reassured by him being able to talk about plans a month or two down the line and his family beginning to include me, but he occasionally surprises me with other stuff, like the upcoming Fall Festival his company is throwing that he's invited me to. I know parties aren't his thing, but he sat patiently through my neighbour's Halloween party dressed as Chucky until just after midnight so they could wish me happy birthday. He was asleep before I got out the shower after the party though, lol! And he surprised me with flowers since I was being a pain about gifts for my birthday, and he's taking me to dinner at some point... When I'm free.

So for thanksgiving this year, I have so much to be grateful for. I have wonderful friends, mostly fabulous children (Baby Girl is currently the Bain of my life), and this terrific guy. God has definitely been good to me!!

Speaking of Thanksgiving.... I better start working on that one!

DNA doesn't lie

Second post for the day. This actually happened a while ago, but it came up again earlier this week and it's niggling at me.

I had to let My Past know that my ex was trying to get DNA tests done on our sons because the dates of my visit to Atlanta with My Past in 2005, made it possible that he may have been the father of my youngest son. However, it is abundantly clear that he is not as my youngest looks like a mini version of his oldest brother.. (which irks me, but he's MUCH cuter than his sibling). So my ex, Douchebag, has had at least 7 attempts at getting the boys DNA. My 9 year old Bad Boy informed me of this because it's not a pleasant experience.

Anyway, my assumption is that either Douchebag is a complete numpty and thinks that DNA tests are like pregnancy tests and can produce false results, or he's just inept and kept doing it wrong. Whichever option you go for, they're both right. He's not the smartest of people... Months ago, I informed My Past that he was off the hook, but he didn't let it go. Not immediately. He asked a lot of questions and got quite angry with me. So I couldn't decide whether he was angry that I had been so careless (although it takes two to tango and he didn't seem to care about protection at the time), or that I hadn't said anything sooner about the possibility he might have another child. He then asked for a pic of Lil One. He asked about dates. He asked what did I think. So I leaned towards a different possibility... that he WANTED Lil One to be his. I ended the ongoing discussion with "Sorry, I shouldn't have said anything at all." My concern had been that he would get slapped with a suit from my ex without me being warned in-between since Douchebag has contacted him before with legal threats. The big kicker was when he asked me if I would tell him if Lil One was his. And I said I didn't know. I doubted that I would. That's when he stopped communicating with me for a few months.

Fast-forward about 8 months to earlier this week and out of the blue, he asked me again, had there been any more tests. What were the results. Why would he be testing them if he didn't think... blah, blah, blah. Funnily I had asked him last week if he and his wife were planning on having kids, but he said no and when I asked why, he responded (somewhat angrily) "Not everyone wants kids". So there you go. Since I know he's always wanted kids and a family, and she's career military, I wonder if there's trouble in paradise. He has asked me in recent years if I would have more. Last year in Tucson it wasn't top of his list to ask if I had taken precautions either.

The subject of whether Lil One is his has touched a nerve with him. I feel for him, I really do. He wasn't thrilled and still hates my mum over our own 'loss' 16 years ago. I don't think he will ever forgive her for the events that happened at her instigation. She definitely forced her will on both of us and it's been hard for me to forget, but I hadn't realised how much it had affected him. I haven't heard from him again this week. I will though. He's never missed a birthday.

Birthday Shenanigans

I sucked it up and ordered a cake. My kids would have been so disappointed if there was no cake.

Tonight I have dinner with Ms Olivia Pope. I'm kinda looking forward to it, although it's weird to not have anything bigger planned. Last night I accidentally stood up a former colleague who had offered to take me for drinks and pool. I don't mind admitting that my liver is still not impressed with my behaviour Tuesday night, but I have drank much more and not come off as bad, so Olivia and I believe that I was probably already dehydrated. So I plan to hydrate well for the next 3 days!! I will make it up to him next week... lol.

And Lil One has been diligently working on my birthday gift for weeks now! I can't wait to be allowed to see it, but I know I will ball like a baby when I see it. He has been writing and drawing in his little composition book and won't let me near it! Mi madre is also making a handmade gift for my birthday.... Little nervous about that one because it's jewelry and I'm fussy about my baubles...

The rest of the weekend's plans include:

Lunch and a movie at Firefighter's tomorrow, before make-up at Dior and then Halloween party at my neighbour's, chilled Sunday at home with Firefighter watching the football before picking up the boys and heading to my favourite Steak restaurant for dinner and then Monday I'm home with the boys! Yay! No early bus run :-)

So I'm out of my funk and now quite looking forward to my birthday. I struggled for a couple of weeks, but it's starting to get easier to get past what would be Stephanie's birthday. She'd be 16 this year...

Anyway. I'm determined to have a good weekend. It all starts when I leave work at 3pm :-)

Happy, happy, happy

Went to Firefighter's to take him leftovers, the movie I'd ordered him from Amazon and his Halloween costume and ended up having one of those evenings that makes me realise I'm making a lot of fuss over nothing.

We ate dinner, shared tales about our days at work, laughed at my hangover (I did manage one glass of wine) and watched duck dynasty before, ahem, "laying down" for a bit. I hate to sound like a giggly schoolgirl, but the "laying down" is amazing.... it's starting to feel like we've both moved on to the realization that it's no longer just sex and that there's something a little more.

So I stayed and napped for a few hours and left at midnight when he got up for a potty break. I know it annoys him when I'm tired and I leave to go home, but I can't leave my kids overnight so I promise to text when I get home. He doesn't usually respond, but tonight he did :-) A year ago it was a different story, sleepovers were not part of the deal, but things change and now we both enjoy them. Instead of laying on our separate sides of the bed, I sling a leg over him and stay close. We're comfortable.

I have done a lot of introspection and observations of behavior and come to the decision that men today are just as insecure as women and now even go so far as to wait for us to control the path of the relationship. As long as we don't have the "what are we" conversation. They don't want to make decisions and call the shots so we have to find a non-aggressive way to drive the direction we want to go in and spend less time fretting about whether they like and want to be with us. If we do it right, we end up with what we want. Doing it right means less talking more doing. Want to have dinner? Ask, causally. Want to go to the movies? Tell them, but make it incidental and drop a hint that if they don't want to, that's fine, you'll dial up a friend instead. Make them a priority but don't revolve around them. Let them know they're important to you, but that you can function without them. Men are geared to be controlled by reverse psychology but also enjoy the chase so if you're too available they quickly lose interest. Yes, it's a pain, but it seems to work. I'm in a position where I don't require a man for anything more than companionship. I value my independence and don't think I want to live with anyone right now, but I can happily continue this relationship with Firefighter because it's drama free. Yes, I'm still confused, but I'm sure it will work itself out eventually.

Lil too much vino me thinks....

Had a lovely surprise on the way home last night when Will called me and asked if I wanted to shoot some pool and have a few drinks in honour of my upcoming birthday....

This morning I'm not loving him so much....

Awesome time, poor Thurman still hasn't figured out how to beat me at pool. Although I tried to throw a couple games last night, he still managed to fluff each one and still lose! Will won one game, but lost the other two, so I'm kinda proud of my 4 out of 5 wins. They were full of the usual banter, so I had a good night, but a good night does not equal a good morning!! I'm guessing I should have left that last glass of wine....

Should make for an interesting day....

Gonna try and make it to lunch at Hooters with the guys. Hair of the dog may be in order. And in true "What-the-Hell-were-you-thinking" fashion I wore a dress today.... Should make the birthday shenanigans challenging!

**UPDATE**

Just had a phone call from my Gran. Love her to pieces, and for once I was very glad she could conversate by herself because there was no way I was going to be able to contribute! Even on my best days she can outdo me! I've just sat here for 10 minutes thinking her maths was off... She sent $300 and told me to spend $60 on each of the kids and myself for Christmas and $60 on myself for my birthday. My slightly hungover calculations told me she was off by $60... And then I actually added it up and no, she's quite right. So almost 80 year old trumps hungover almost 35 year old... Shocking!! I also made the monumental mistake of telling her that the phone call was free when she said she should get off the phone since it must be costing a fortune, but I pay $5 a month for my family to have a local number to call me... so she carried on talking. I'm not even more exhausted than I was.... Word to the wise, when your chatty grandmother starts talking about her MONTH LONG cruise, you probably shouldn't give her free reign to keep talking....

Turning the Tables

I had the most AMAZING night last night. All by myself! Yes, you can make whatever innuendos about that that you want ;-) I don't care!

A couple of weeks ago, I finally got around to finishing painting my oasis. There are a few more touches I want to make to complete the renovation, but it's pretty much the spa-like retreat that I needed. And for the last couple of weekends I have been perfectly happy holed up in there. BY MYSELF. This has had a negative effect on Firefighter, which is where last night amused me...

The kids are on punishment. So I took away their TV privileges. Baby Girl had plenty of homework to do, the boys went outside for a lil bit, and I took my kindle and a glass of wine to the couch in my room. I didn't even turn my TV on. I tried to kick back, but Olivia Pope was texting me, as was Firefighter and 6'5" (I have no idea what else to call him.... he's so freaking tall!). I did manage to read a couple of chapters before throwing some pizzas in the oven for dinner. After dinner I put on a load of laundry, switched on to ESPN (Monday Night Football...) and then took a shower to wash my hair. Around 8:15, I asked if Firefighter was  in bed. Here's how it went:

Me: Tucked up in bed already?

FF: Yep, watching a movie. It's pitiful isn't is?

Me: Lol. Why? It's what you do. If that's what you like, who cares?

FF: Lol Idk, just funny I guess

And then I changed the subject, but I was laughing pretty hard. After all, Firefighter has been tucked up in bed alone by 8:30pm every night for the entire 14 months I've known him. He's not a night owl. Very much a morning person, and enjoys being alone, but he also usually hints around what he wants to say so it probably annoyed him that I didn't get into it with him about being in bed so early. The irony was not lost on me that I have been enjoying my peaceful haven for a couple of weeks now when used I hate being alone. Sunday he had to ask if he could see my room because I didn't even offer! It was a quick whirlwind tour, opened the door, said "there you go" and then herded him back downstairs (well, the football was on after all).

The hardest adjustment I've had to make since my separation and divorce is not having someone to talk to at the end of the day. Yes, I have 3 children at home, but honestly, none of them wants to hear about my day full of meetings with numpties who shouldn't be allowed out near a computer. It's been nice having my sister put up with my late night phone calls just to let me have a conversation and talk about what's going on with me. I keep saying it, but honestly, she's been fabulous. Even My Past frequently tells me to call him at work and lets me chatter away. It's a shame that he left it too late to try to have a 'normal' relationship with me. He's genuinely trying to be a friend and I appreciate that. It's easy for him to listen since he doesn't like to talk about himself much, but he is a good sounding board. Except when I talk about the other men in my life, then the green-eyed monster comes out and he's not so objective.... I am cautiously looking forward to him being in NC and being able to have the occasional catch up. Just have to remember to keep to public places where I won't make bad decisions, but we're getting better at keeping our feelings in check.

So at the end of the day, while I miss having a regular bed-mate, I'm coming to terms with sleeping alone every night. I miss spooning, it's true. I miss pillow talk and Sunday mornings, but I have now gravitated to sleeping in the middle of my bed...

Tarheel Football!!

Went to my first UNC Tarheel football game last night. They're not known for being one of the great college football teams, but considering they were playing Miami, the game was better than I thought!

So at the beginning of the college football season, Firefighter and I had planned on going to a game with Miss H and the guy she's dating, but crazy schedules on my part and Firefighter not really enjoying the double-dating experience, we never got around to buying tickets. I ended up having to run a training session in Winston Salem, so I wasn't entirely sure I would have been up for it, but around 2pm, as I was eating lunch at a micro-brewery with a co-worker, I got a text from Firefighter saying he had two tickets, would I be able to go? Uhhhh.... yeah! So the rest of the afternoon was a rush. The co-worker is also a Tarheel, so when I told him we had tickets, he hurried up lunch, we skipped stopping at the Outlets, just so he could get me back to Raleigh by 4pm. Then it was rush to pick the boys up, get them home, cook dinner, shower and change and be at Firefighter's by between 6-6:15. Shockingly I made it! We even made it to the stadium on time, but had issues finding our damn seats. That stadium is like the freaking labyrinth!

Anyway, we were sitting behind some very annoying drunk students, who amused us for a while, but then started to get on our nerves. An usher spotted us and moved us to front row seats so we could enjoy the last quarter of the game without the annoyance. We were sitting one level up from Miss H, but after the long day at work, the walk to the stadium, trying to find our seats, we decided not to join them (Hell, I was having trouble keeping my damn eyes open!). Apologies for that. We're old...

The walk back to the car was not fun, and then we sat in the car, in the parking deck, not moving, for about an hour!! Not even sure what was going on, but it was a complete standstill. So I went to sleep just as we started moving... and got maybe a 20 minute cat-nap :-( As we pulled up at his place, he asked if I was OK to drive. I wasn't, but I knew I had to get home to the brats, so I promised to text when I got home, which I did. 40 minutes later at 1:40am.... My alarm goes off at 4:30am... I thought I hit snooze.... I didn't. So Bad Boy comes in and wakes me up at 6:55am.... Baby Girl is supposed to catch the bus at 7:15 and the boys are supposed to be in school 30 minutes away by 7:45....I dropped Baby Girl off before the bell, but the boys were a whopping 40 minutes late.... and I'm now trying to wake up with caffeine, I've already moved one morning meeting and after thinking I could sneak out and leave at lunch... I discover some asshat has filled my FRIDAY afternoon with meetings... who does that??

So it's now 9:25am, I could quite easily put my head down and sleep for a very long time, but given that it's Friday and the kids and I plan nothing more strenuous than pizza and a movie this evening, if I can just get through the next 6.5 hours, I should be ok.... Looking forward to pumpkin picking with Miss H and the kids tomorrow though.... AFTER a very good nights sleep in my 'new' bedroom oasis :-)

So I have to say a massive thank you to Firefighter's brother for the tickets (which were free! Bonus!) and Firefighter for choosing me to be his plus one at the game. I'll be a complete waste of space all day, but it was well worth it.

Mrs Nash, Where are you?

I have this friend. We'll call her Mrs Nash. I miss her TERRIBLY. Our busy schedules don't allow us to catch up very often, but if ever I had a friend that I could just talk to for hours, it's her. She is VERY high maintenance, but the one thing we have always done well is allow the other to talk. Somehow she just knows when I need it to be about me and for the last month or so, that's exactly what I've needed. With my birthday right around the corner and this being a difficult month for me, she is on my mind a lot. I have way too many issues that I'm trying to deal with and I'm feeling like I need a rock. I don't break down often, I'm holding it together emotionally, but there are so many things I have pent up, I could probably talk her ear off for a few hours and still not get it all out.

I am definitely going to have to make some time for her in the next week. Somehow, I need to learn to stop being other people's rock and find my own. It's all well and good to start talking my problems out, but when the person listening tries to make it about them, I tend to drop my end and let them have the floor. This isn't helping me.

My sister Curly has been supremely patient with me, but when I need someone to sit with a bottle or 3 of wine to let me whine, she's 3000 miles away and that doesn't help me. And Curly likes to laugh at me. Granted, it is funny that I am not like most chicks when it comes to guys and dating...

Back to work

So I had a quiet weekend. Got my hair did, took Firefighter to Fleming's for dinner Saturday (well I had just had my hair did, I had to go somewhere), and then had a lazy Sunday, full of church and football. An added perk of working in a bank is getting ALL the Federal holidays, so Monday I intended to use my Columbus Day wisely and get through my Honey-Do list (yes, I'm aware I have no Honey, but that doesn't mean I don't have things to do...).

So I took a friend birthday breakfast after dropping the boys off at school, and then headed home thinking I'd get started... Uhhhh, no, not so much. I had woken up at 2am, so I went home and climbed into bed, became very anti-social and took a nap. For twenty minutes. SMH.

Around 11am, I bounced up, changed into some old workout clothes and bust open that can of paint that has been collecting dust for a good 4 or 5 months. I only had one wall to finish painting, but it was the one behind my extremely heavy bed.... This time common sense set in and I removed the mattress before trying to move the bed. Shocking really that it only took me an hour and a half to paint that wall and the one in the bathroom... I was interrupted by a few IM's, and then had to pick Baby Girl up from school with a headache, but I finally got it finished around 2pm. I must say, it looks amazing. Funny how that one wall pulled the rest of it together. I went for a slightly feminine, vintage-modern look.... No frills, but it is shades of lilac and purple with a hint of green and grey. I LOVE it!

After picking the boys up from school and running to the store, I came straight back home, poured a glass of wine and curled up on my couch. I didn't even text Firefighter for the ENTIRE evening. I know that had to leave him confused, but it was just that serene.... Tonight's plans involve a book and wine and I may just become a recluse again.... for a little bit. Just a couple of things to do in the bathroom and my spa-oasis-retreat will be complete. I need a plumber...

The Honey-Do list still has quite a bit left to do on it, but I'll work on it for the rest of the week...

My Past...

Yes, today is a two post day. I wasn't going to, but to be honest, I'm a little weirded out.

I had thought that I had managed to 'lose' My Past. I purposely sent an inappropriate text at a time when I knew he would be at home, in bed with his wife. It was, oh, around 7am on a Saturday morning....

Well, we have a mutual friend, who I have stayed in touch with and periodically, he will pop up occasionally and ask me how I'm doing and then casually drop My Past's name into the conversation. When this happens, I know I will be hearing from My Past in the next couple of days. I've become so accustomed to it, that it no longer fazes me, so when Roach (the friend, don't ask about the nickname) sent me a message Monday, I knew it would only be a matter of time. Monday, I got bold and asked Roach if My Past had ever had any conversations about me with him and he claims no, but he tends to ask just the right question to let me know that he knows more than he lets on. So Monday's conversation got pretty frank, and I let him know that My Past had dropped the ball on our relationship. He agreed, and seems to think that I will never fully be rid of My Past.

After today, I'm inclined to agree. Which frightens me.

Today My Past texted and asked if I was in a better mood. I hate that he knows me that well. That was at 11:47am. He then proceeded to text me all day. Not the usual "Send me a pic", type of text, but the kind that, had he been in a relationship with me, would have been totally expected. We talked. And during the course of the conversation, he started talking about when we met, what had attracted him to me. He remembers every detail of our first night. I am ashamed to say, that I am mostly hazy... I remembered stuff as he was saying it, but had he not brought it up, I wouldn't. He remembered what I wore, what we talked about, what song we danced to. It was shocking to know that this man, who I have been, let's be honest, having an affair with for 18 years, has kept all of this locked away.

Roach had commented that My Past never talks about himself much. And that used to drive me insane, but then I realised, while talking to Roach, that I actually know more about My Past than the people who lived with him. Roach hadn't even known he had a daughter and was surprised when I told him I had met her. Years ago. I know the whole story. So, anyway. I'm going home now. I'm supposed to call him from the car... maybe I'll forget... it happens...

**UPDATE**

I was not allowed to forget to call. He texted me all the way to my car... smh

Green-Eyed Monsters

So recently, my sister enjoyed a moment of hilarity at my expense while I tried to explain the very odd relationship issues I've been having with Firefighter. The hilarity comes from me not behaving as 99.999% of females do, but instead being more like men. I'm very cut and dried when it comes to, well, pretty much everything. I hate ambiguity and would rather just get it out in the open.

That being said, Firefighter has said that while he hasn't been intimate with anyone else since meeting me, that doesn't mean that he wouldn't. Well, ok, that's fine. As long as he realises that that sword cuts both ways....

Friday he went to a female friends new apartment. Aside from asking him if they had a good time, I just left him to it and didn't ask any questions. He, on the other hand, texted me frequently that night and let me know when he was leaving and when he got home to bed. It was around that time that I let slip that I was going out for the night with a group of girlfriends... he was not pleased, but tried not to make a big deal of it.

So anyway. I have been trying to finish painting my bedroom for a several months now, and I have a male friend, we'll call him Fred, who has offered to help me with painting before. I hadn't heard from him in a while, but he got in touch recently and said he wanted to catch up, so I asked if he wanted to help paint. Unfortunately, it just happens that his work schedule is too fluid for us to nail down a good time for him to come over, so we've been going back and forth for a few days about it, but yesterday I mentioned to Firefighter that 'a friend' was going to help and that 'he' may come on Monday when I'm off work.

(A bit of background, when Firefighter and I have talked about painting previously, he has said how much he dislikes it, which is why I didn't ask for his help.)

And guess what.

Firefighter offers to paint it on Sunday. So just for fun, I told him it was ok, since I know he doesn't enjoy painting, that I would wait and see if Fred was still able to help. This morning, Firefighter is now insisting that it's just one wall, it won't take long, he'll do it Sunday.

So from this odd set of circumstances, is it me, or does it appear that Firefighter is not comfortable with another man, alone with me, in my house, in my bedroom, ostensibly painting the walls...? Until the point in the conversation where I let slip that it was a he, Firefighter had only said that it was a good idea to get someone else to do it since I have an injured neck. The small piece of me that is just a little bit girly is secretly flattered by his jealousy. While the largely non-girly part of me is rolling my eyes.

Annoying twitch

That pesky little annoying twitch that you sometimes get over your eye... or under your eye.. has been driving me CRAZY off and on for the last 48 hours....!

Someone once told me, it's caused by extreme fatigue, which would make sense since my insomnia is back. It's really very odd being beyond exhausted and yet still only sleeping an average of 4 hours a night... Anyway, maybe a weekend without the boys will help.

Lil One is in full-blown Christmas\Birthday mode.  He currently has two pages of Lego items and books that he would like for gifts... And Onyx is getting big. That's about all I have to talk about. I'm stuck in the Wilson office today, which I hate as there is ZERO cell reception! I am incredibly BORED. And poor Firefighter is getting annoyed lol.

OK, so if I close my eyes, the twitching stops... How long before someone notices I'm asleep though?

No Title to this Post

Kind of an apt title... It speaks volumes about where I'm at.

I hardly saw Firefighter this weekend. For the first time in a couple months. Since the infamous 'breakup' that ended up not really being a breakup.

Friday I went out with the ladies, but couldn't really get into it because I had to drive. And then Saturday, I could get no one to go with me to the 5K, so I blew it off... and Saturday evening was spent at home with a large bottle of Bacardi and three noisy, rambunctious boys... I was in bed knocked out by 11pm. He did text me while he was with his friends, which always boggles my mind. Why say you want to be casual and have space, but then text me while you are hanging out with others? I was constantly updated as to what they were doing and talking about. Very bizarre.

Sunday, I got up to go to church and then headed to his place to hang out for a bit before dinner at his sister's place for his niece's birthday. Oddly, on the ride over there, I had this thought in the back of my mind that it would be fried fish... guess what... it was fried fish. Firefighter was going to tell his sister that I don't eat seafood, but I told him not to worry about it and put just enough on my plate to not be considered rude.

And they're all Cowboys fans... so we watched the game, while I tried to fix his nephew's laptop which was having performance issues. Firefighter kept telling me that I didn't need to, but I felt self-conscious around his family and it helped distract me, so I did it anyway. During the blessing of the meal, his brother-in-law and sister put me on the spot again and insisted on introducing me and getting me to speak - my accent... smh. And then as we were leaving said they hope to see me again soon. This left me confused as Firefighter has said that his sister knows that he can't have kids and doesn't intend on getting married and I know he hasn't brought a 'girl' home in a while, if at all, to hang out with his family. Anyway, we left shortly before the start of the 4th quarter of the Cowboys game and went back to his place. I had already put my stuff in my car and intended on leaving, but he seemed to think I was coming inside for a bit, so I sat and watched the last of the game before leaving so I could get home in time for the Niners 8:30 kickoff.

I was (and still am) in a funk. This weird mixed relationship is getting difficult to read. Once a week, I remind myself to back off by re-reading his email. But then he begins to wonder what is wrong. Today, I have not heard from him. Last night I was a little abrupt with him on text. I like him. I want to stick at it because I like the way it is, but I'm afraid that I'm going to mess it up. I have to keep it casual to keep my feelings out of it, but the more casual I get, the more not-casual he gets.... I want to say something, but I don't know what it is that I want to say.

I'm not good at this being a girl stuff. Which amuses my sister...

Nothing's Going to Ruin My Weekend....

Not even pesky neck strain.

It's been a miserable week. Being sick or hurt brings home the difficulties of being a single parent. Rain or shine, I still have to cook, clean, feed, etc etc, three very hungry, busy children. I'm exhausted.

So Firefighter is otherwise occupied this weekend. And since I find that I have a free weekend. Well, at least until church on Sunday. I'm going to enjoy some much needed girl time! Miss H and I are rolling out late tonight. I've laid off the pain meds, but sadly don't have a DD and so will have a sober night anyway. First night out since July and a drink or five would have been nice.

I have successfully black-mailed the children into cleaning up, and am lounging on the sofa watching Revenge on Netflix, milking the "ouch, it hurts" as much as I can... at some point I will order pizza and then take a nap.

Tomorrow, I will attempt my first 5k in 4 months. With no training... But since I have meds at the house, I'm sure I'll survive :-) Surviving running into DJ, that's a-whole-nother matter. I will have to behave, but I will have the kids to run some interference.

Ugh, and then there's My Past. I thought I had got rid of him, but he's a persistent bastard. First he gets a mutual friend to check in on me, then he gets brazen enough to send a text to see what I'm up to. It's all good while he's 2000 miles away, but March gets closer everyday. My will-power is not that great when it comes to him.

But hey, it's the weekend. A great time to be single :-)

Let the birthmonth celebrations begin....!

Glowing

Feeling a little giggly and loved up this morning.

Firefighter spent most of yesterday asleep after having spent the night in the ER with his mum (who then around 2:30am decided she felt fine), but around 6pm woke up and checked to see if I was ready for my girls night out. I wasn't. I'd had a long day at work and wasn't really in the mood, so we'd canceled. And it was a Tuesday... so there would be no drinking anyway. So after his usual hinting around being hungry and going to the store once he decided what he wanted to eat, I offered to bring him some spaghetti. He's been hinting at it for a while now since he knows we have it every Tuesday... smh. I was tired, but figured I would make the 30 minute drive, eat, catch up for a bit and then be home by 9:30pm...

Not so lucky. One glass of wine and he had recorded the Book of Manning on ESPN so we started to watch. (Pretty damn awesome, recommended viewing for football fans!) Around 9pm, about halfway through the show, I was dozing so I got up to leave. His response: "You just got here". Yes, two hours ago... and he was planning on going hunting at 4am. This argument got shot down with "You might as well finish the show". So I sat back down. Or more accurately, laid back down, since I was sprawled across his lap. I was THAT tired! The show finished about half an hour later and I'm holding back tears. It was very moving and I have a lot of respect for the Manning family. I always have, but hearing it in their own words, well, that was just something else.

So then he suggests that I take a nap for a bit before I leave. Now normally "Let's go lay down" is code for let's have sex, but not last night. Last night it literally meant take a nap. I put up the same argument as before, but he shot it down again and set an alarm for me to wake up after a couple hours. At midnight I get up to leave and promise to text when I get home, which I did and bless his heart if he didn't wait up to make sure I got there in one piece.

Then as I'm leaving the house with the boys this morning around 6:35am I get a text: "Good morning. Don fell into the swamp..." and a beautiful pic of the sun rising over the same swamp. Poetically beautiful.

So he's not good with words. And doesn't show affection in the traditional sense. There are no hearts and flowers, but having had the last 13 months to get to know him, I'm getting used to it. It's his way. I'm much happier FEELING loved and appreciated than having the false alternative that I had for 11 years with my ex.