Kind of an apt title... It speaks volumes about where I'm at.
I hardly saw Firefighter this weekend. For the first time in a couple months. Since the infamous 'breakup' that ended up not really being a breakup.
Friday I went out with the ladies, but couldn't really get into it because I had to drive. And then Saturday, I could get no one to go with me to the 5K, so I blew it off... and Saturday evening was spent at home with a large bottle of Bacardi and three noisy, rambunctious boys... I was in bed knocked out by 11pm. He did text me while he was with his friends, which always boggles my mind. Why say you want to be casual and have space, but then text me while you are hanging out with others? I was constantly updated as to what they were doing and talking about. Very bizarre.
Sunday, I got up to go to church and then headed to his place to hang out for a bit before dinner at his sister's place for his niece's birthday. Oddly, on the ride over there, I had this thought in the back of my mind that it would be fried fish... guess what... it was fried fish. Firefighter was going to tell his sister that I don't eat seafood, but I told him not to worry about it and put just enough on my plate to not be considered rude.
And they're all Cowboys fans... so we watched the game, while I tried to fix his nephew's laptop which was having performance issues. Firefighter kept telling me that I didn't need to, but I felt self-conscious around his family and it helped distract me, so I did it anyway. During the blessing of the meal, his brother-in-law and sister put me on the spot again and insisted on introducing me and getting me to speak - my accent... smh. And then as we were leaving said they hope to see me again soon. This left me confused as Firefighter has said that his sister knows that he can't have kids and doesn't intend on getting married and I know he hasn't brought a 'girl' home in a while, if at all, to hang out with his family. Anyway, we left shortly before the start of the 4th quarter of the Cowboys game and went back to his place. I had already put my stuff in my car and intended on leaving, but he seemed to think I was coming inside for a bit, so I sat and watched the last of the game before leaving so I could get home in time for the Niners 8:30 kickoff.
I was (and still am) in a funk. This weird mixed relationship is getting difficult to read. Once a week, I remind myself to back off by re-reading his email. But then he begins to wonder what is wrong. Today, I have not heard from him. Last night I was a little abrupt with him on text. I like him. I want to stick at it because I like the way it is, but I'm afraid that I'm going to mess it up. I have to keep it casual to keep my feelings out of it, but the more casual I get, the more not-casual he gets.... I want to say something, but I don't know what it is that I want to say.
I'm not good at this being a girl stuff. Which amuses my sister...