Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Goodbye 2013. Hello 2014

I pretty much reached my 2013 Resolution so this year, I'm going to be a little more ambitious. I have two this year:

1. Attain financial stability - this is a very broad spectrum goal. I am mostly financially independent, but I'm wishy-washy with this one. I spend when I should be saving. So that's my goal. Learn to save! I need to have enough in the bank to live for 6 months should I lose my job. Now in my situation this will be a tough one, but I'm going to start slow and get to one month in the bank and then see where it goes from there....

The last couple of years have taught me one thing if nothing else. And I'm not trying to be Debbie-Downer, but I've had a 3-4 months of serious introspection and realised that I am never good enough for anyone despite all I do for everyone. So my second resolution is...

2. to STOP. Yes, it sounds selfish and in a way it is, but when I sum up the effort I put into ALL my relationships, whether friends, family or other, I never seem to come out on top. And by on top, I mean that all I ever really wanted was to be someone's Number 1. Just one person to put me first. Oh not all the time, that is selfish, but I've been through Hell and back in the last couple of years and still people come to me when they need something, but when I have needed something back, they are ghost. I've been sick a few times this year, and somehow had to find a way to muddle through with getting to work and coping with 3 kids. I haven't shared all my struggles even with my closest friends because what I needed most at those times was not the usual "You'll get through it." but a real shoulder, with a bottle of wine and some Kleenex. Never have I felt more alone or more under pressure than when I'm trying to scrape together the $4000 each month needed to keep the roof over my kids heads, but also find a way to keep up the lifestyle to which the kids and I are accustomed. I've sacrificed. I have never asked anyone for money, but the stress has been immense, and Christmas was the breaking point, when my body said ENOUGH! So for 2014, there will be a change. I will not settle. I am better than that. I am successful in my career, I have a beautiful home and wonderful children. I do not need a man to provide for me. Anything that a man can bring to my table is 'bonus'. But I will also be more circumspect in the things I do for others. I hate to put it on that level. If I have it to give, I have always given, but lately I have felt taken advantage of. I have lost friends because when I took a step back, they were offended, but I have always been there for them and I guess the test was to see if they were there for me. They weren't. It hurt, but it was an eye-opening lesson for me that helped set me on this path.

Friday, December 20, 2013

It burst

He is flawed. He canceled on me again. That is all I have to say about it. Shame.

Waiting for the bubble to burst

There's a new guy. I've thought hard about what to name him, but I think I'll wait until I'm sure he'll be a regular feature....

He is 37, never married, but has a 9 year old daughter who he absolutely adores, and MOST importantly WANTS to be in a relationship. I have compiled a list of attributes that come not from his description of himself, but from observations I have made of him during our 2 previous dates:

Sense of humour. Yes, I put this first
Respectful. He has not made ANY inappropriate references to sex
Honest. He has already owned up to and explained his criminal background. More on this later.
Attractive. He has such an amazing smile and means it when he gives it
Athletic, toned. This is important to me because I like to be physically fit and couldn't live with someone who wasn't
He can COOK. No explanation necessary
Has his own home with plans to buy a house in the near future. One big enough for a large family.
Has two cars. An everyday SUV and Mazda RX8 that he races (YES!!)
Is close to his family and places a good deal of importance on family

I could keep going. I'm in a situation where I'm waiting for something bad to happen. He seems just too good to be true. Last night he called and we chatted while he baked gingerbread cookies with his daughter. Yes, he bakes with his daughter. He washes her hair and treats it too...

We went to Champps to watch football on Monday night and we were totally comfortable chatting and joking the entire time.... 3 hours in a near empty sports bar and neither of us can tell you what happened in the game!! It felt so amazing to be wrapped up in someone who was just as wrapped up in me as I was in him. And when he walked me to my car, I got a goodnight kiss that almost had me following him home! Toe-curling. Oh Firefighter kissed, but it was just barely that. There was zero passion. Most of the time. When he was drunk, it was better, when his inhibitions were lowered. But this guy. Whooooo! Took my breath away!

So tonight I'm going to his place. For dinner and a movie. I'm sincerely hoping I can behave myself and make him wait, but I'm a grown up.... Whatever happens, happens. And then we are going to dinner at Fleming's tomorrow. Yes, I was supposed to go with Firefighter, but I had to stop giving him all the benefits that he couldn't even come close to reciprocating. I firmly believe that Firefighter loves\loved me, but he has a failsafe mechanism for keeping it to himself. So I am moving on. I am way to good to be treated that way. And as much as I love him, I can't be sure that it wasn't just because we had great sex often enough to have an oxytocin-induced connection.... If he misses me, he'll figure it out. In the meantime, the search for someone who will love me and respect me and treat me like a princess continues.... with New Guy.

For now....

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Big Decision

I have decided that it is finally time to think about having a real relationship. Don't get me wrong, Firefighter and I have a real relationship. We're very good friends with awesome benefits. He has said he cares about me, which is the closest he gets to emotion. And that was ok for a while, but now I miss affection. I think this last couple of months has been the toughest, after dealing with a lot of major financial struggles and finding that I am more alone than I thought, and then getting sick, I realised it would have been nice to have someone there for me. I felt abandoned by friends a little bit. Sometimes it's hard to find someone to talk to who will let it be about me for a minute and after putting myself on a back burner for so long, I was really having a tough time.


Two days ago I decided to go back on the dating website. Within hours I had way too many people trying to get dates and for the first time, I have a completely full evening schedule and am already pushing dates into the next couple of weeks. I've been more circumspect this time. There will be no sex.

The funny thing is, it's Firefighter's birthday Friday and we have plans to go to dinner with a bunch of his friends. He was happy to let me take care of the booking when in the past he has made his own arrangements and last year I received a last minute invitation to join him and his friends, but wasn't really part of his day. I also stopped texting him as much during the day, which I think is bothering him a little. Although yesterday I was exhausted and working out of the Wilson office and so didn't have the time to text much anyway, he popped up around lunch time. I kept it brief, and then didn't text him again. He reached out again when I got to home. To ask if I was making spaghetti for dinner. Uhhhhh.... it's Tuesday, of course I was. However, I was not eating spaghetti... I had a date. He continued to try to text me throughout the evening, and I think I did a good job of keeping it casual and neutral. (I'm starting to really hate the word 'casual'). I had mentioned Sunday that I wanted to go see Homefront (love me some Jason Statham) and asked if he wanted to go with me, but since he has a busy birthday weekend, I put no pressure on. He said sure and I said if it was still showing next week, we could go, and then go to LoneStar for dinner afterwards. Anyway, last night he then asked if I wanted to go see the movie Thursday. Well, I had made plans to go to a fundraiser with Ms Pope, but as I was talking with another guy I met on the site, Baby Girl reminded me that she has a basketball game on Thursday that she needs to go to with Pep Band... UGH! So after talking with Ms Pope it was established that it was unlikely I would make it to the fundraiser, so I told Firefighter ok. After some back and forth. I did mention that I had had plans, which seemed to take him by surprise, but hey, he told me to date, right? Anyway, I got snippy with him, on purpose. And then used a conversation ending 'cool'. Or so I thought. By now I was with my date and so couldn't text anyway, but then he wanted to tell me about a conversation with a lady he works with who we've been to the movies with a couple of times. She had broken up with her girlfriend of 10+ years. Again, I kept it brief as he had done to me in the last couple of weeks... I managed to end the conversation with oh ok after about 15 minutes....

Naturally, I'm sad that he doesn't want a relationship. I'm not looking to move in or marry and I've said before I can carry on this way indefinitely, but I really do miss affection. I miss HEARING someone SAY they love me. That is the only thing missing from what we have. That and his acknowledgment that this is working for both of us. But I have to do for me. So I won't tell him just how busy my social calendar is, but as long as he's still enjoying the benefits, I will be on the lookout for someone new, and when the time is right for physical intimacy with that person, I will break it off with Firefighter.

Last night's date was a no-go. He looked too much like my dad and was so nervous he barely looked me in the eye... There are a couple that are clearly trying to sell themselves very hard... one guy bragged about how many cars and bikes he has... that means nothing if you aren't interested in treating me right. And I'm already cutting dead the ones that give me nicknames, like Boo or Luv. I hate that when you don't even know me. Any who ask for pictures are also gone... If you need a picture to remind you of who I am, you are dating too many at once... just saying....

So we'll see how it goes. At least I will be so busy, I won't miss Firefighter. I'd like to hope he'd miss me though... Although I know he won't.