Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Big Decision

I have decided that it is finally time to think about having a real relationship. Don't get me wrong, Firefighter and I have a real relationship. We're very good friends with awesome benefits. He has said he cares about me, which is the closest he gets to emotion. And that was ok for a while, but now I miss affection. I think this last couple of months has been the toughest, after dealing with a lot of major financial struggles and finding that I am more alone than I thought, and then getting sick, I realised it would have been nice to have someone there for me. I felt abandoned by friends a little bit. Sometimes it's hard to find someone to talk to who will let it be about me for a minute and after putting myself on a back burner for so long, I was really having a tough time.


Two days ago I decided to go back on the dating website. Within hours I had way too many people trying to get dates and for the first time, I have a completely full evening schedule and am already pushing dates into the next couple of weeks. I've been more circumspect this time. There will be no sex.

The funny thing is, it's Firefighter's birthday Friday and we have plans to go to dinner with a bunch of his friends. He was happy to let me take care of the booking when in the past he has made his own arrangements and last year I received a last minute invitation to join him and his friends, but wasn't really part of his day. I also stopped texting him as much during the day, which I think is bothering him a little. Although yesterday I was exhausted and working out of the Wilson office and so didn't have the time to text much anyway, he popped up around lunch time. I kept it brief, and then didn't text him again. He reached out again when I got to home. To ask if I was making spaghetti for dinner. Uhhhhh.... it's Tuesday, of course I was. However, I was not eating spaghetti... I had a date. He continued to try to text me throughout the evening, and I think I did a good job of keeping it casual and neutral. (I'm starting to really hate the word 'casual'). I had mentioned Sunday that I wanted to go see Homefront (love me some Jason Statham) and asked if he wanted to go with me, but since he has a busy birthday weekend, I put no pressure on. He said sure and I said if it was still showing next week, we could go, and then go to LoneStar for dinner afterwards. Anyway, last night he then asked if I wanted to go see the movie Thursday. Well, I had made plans to go to a fundraiser with Ms Pope, but as I was talking with another guy I met on the site, Baby Girl reminded me that she has a basketball game on Thursday that she needs to go to with Pep Band... UGH! So after talking with Ms Pope it was established that it was unlikely I would make it to the fundraiser, so I told Firefighter ok. After some back and forth. I did mention that I had had plans, which seemed to take him by surprise, but hey, he told me to date, right? Anyway, I got snippy with him, on purpose. And then used a conversation ending 'cool'. Or so I thought. By now I was with my date and so couldn't text anyway, but then he wanted to tell me about a conversation with a lady he works with who we've been to the movies with a couple of times. She had broken up with her girlfriend of 10+ years. Again, I kept it brief as he had done to me in the last couple of weeks... I managed to end the conversation with oh ok after about 15 minutes....

Naturally, I'm sad that he doesn't want a relationship. I'm not looking to move in or marry and I've said before I can carry on this way indefinitely, but I really do miss affection. I miss HEARING someone SAY they love me. That is the only thing missing from what we have. That and his acknowledgment that this is working for both of us. But I have to do for me. So I won't tell him just how busy my social calendar is, but as long as he's still enjoying the benefits, I will be on the lookout for someone new, and when the time is right for physical intimacy with that person, I will break it off with Firefighter.

Last night's date was a no-go. He looked too much like my dad and was so nervous he barely looked me in the eye... There are a couple that are clearly trying to sell themselves very hard... one guy bragged about how many cars and bikes he has... that means nothing if you aren't interested in treating me right. And I'm already cutting dead the ones that give me nicknames, like Boo or Luv. I hate that when you don't even know me. Any who ask for pictures are also gone... If you need a picture to remind you of who I am, you are dating too many at once... just saying....

So we'll see how it goes. At least I will be so busy, I won't miss Firefighter. I'd like to hope he'd miss me though... Although I know he won't.

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