Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Goodbye 2013. Hello 2014

I pretty much reached my 2013 Resolution so this year, I'm going to be a little more ambitious. I have two this year:

1. Attain financial stability - this is a very broad spectrum goal. I am mostly financially independent, but I'm wishy-washy with this one. I spend when I should be saving. So that's my goal. Learn to save! I need to have enough in the bank to live for 6 months should I lose my job. Now in my situation this will be a tough one, but I'm going to start slow and get to one month in the bank and then see where it goes from there....

The last couple of years have taught me one thing if nothing else. And I'm not trying to be Debbie-Downer, but I've had a 3-4 months of serious introspection and realised that I am never good enough for anyone despite all I do for everyone. So my second resolution is...

2. to STOP. Yes, it sounds selfish and in a way it is, but when I sum up the effort I put into ALL my relationships, whether friends, family or other, I never seem to come out on top. And by on top, I mean that all I ever really wanted was to be someone's Number 1. Just one person to put me first. Oh not all the time, that is selfish, but I've been through Hell and back in the last couple of years and still people come to me when they need something, but when I have needed something back, they are ghost. I've been sick a few times this year, and somehow had to find a way to muddle through with getting to work and coping with 3 kids. I haven't shared all my struggles even with my closest friends because what I needed most at those times was not the usual "You'll get through it." but a real shoulder, with a bottle of wine and some Kleenex. Never have I felt more alone or more under pressure than when I'm trying to scrape together the $4000 each month needed to keep the roof over my kids heads, but also find a way to keep up the lifestyle to which the kids and I are accustomed. I've sacrificed. I have never asked anyone for money, but the stress has been immense, and Christmas was the breaking point, when my body said ENOUGH! So for 2014, there will be a change. I will not settle. I am better than that. I am successful in my career, I have a beautiful home and wonderful children. I do not need a man to provide for me. Anything that a man can bring to my table is 'bonus'. But I will also be more circumspect in the things I do for others. I hate to put it on that level. If I have it to give, I have always given, but lately I have felt taken advantage of. I have lost friends because when I took a step back, they were offended, but I have always been there for them and I guess the test was to see if they were there for me. They weren't. It hurt, but it was an eye-opening lesson for me that helped set me on this path.

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