That awkward moment from Sunday when Firefighter's friend, B-Ball, asked if he was planning on moving in with me after he had stated that he wasn't sure he would be renewing his lease on his apartment, is still with me. I hadn't quite realised how much I fear living with someone again.
I've spent the last couple of days trying to figure out what exactly my issue is, but I haven't come up with an answer yet. The insecurities are still there, that I will never be good enough. That no man will ever say those three words to me again and mean it. That they will love me for me. I still over-compensate in an effort to gain approval.
My comfort level with Firefighter is that I know it will never happen, which makes it easy to just be with him and be me. I don't have to try and win him over because he has already said it will never happen. So instead of trying to find that guy, I get to just kick back with someone who is totally perfect, but I have no fear of disappointing. A cynical view, I know, but I get to love him and treat him as a boyfriend knowing that one day he will move on, and it won't be unexpected. It might be tomorrow, next week, or next year, but the inevitable will happen. I'm not the kind of girl that a guy falls in love with and I am on my way to accepting that.
I'm apparently good enough in bed, but not a keeper.
So yes, caught off-guard by his friends question, I may have over-reacted and been a little emphatic in my denial of that event ever happening, but it was part self-preservation, part fear and part get-the-denial-out-before-he-does. I didn't pay attention to Firefighter's reaction.