Not Fair

Although some might describe me as extrovert, I actually cringe at being the center of attention, but I still get jealous at public marriage proposals.

I was never proposed to. Not officially. And I never got an engagement ring. So when I see these guys going out of their way to publicly declare their love for their fiancees, the inner girl in me wonders why it was never her.

That's probably why I have chosen to enter a pseudo-relationship with someone who has repeatedly declared that they never want to marry. It insulates me from the disappointment that I will never be that girl.

Don't get me wrong. This is not a pity party. I just don't seem to be the type of girl that brings out the romantic in the guys I date. In 11 years with Douchebag, he only bought me diamond earrings for my first birthday with him... after that, he either came up with last minute dinner plans or some lame gift. He used to send me flowers when I was 3000 miles away, but when I was 5 miles away... he would forget to call to cancel plans, or show up late - hours late - with no apology. He only bought me lingerie after I got a restraining order... 10 years into the relationship and as it was ending. Talk about Too Late! And yes, I still question my sanity in deciding to stay in that relationship as long as I did!

I did meet one guy recently who gave me beautiful pink roses after our second dinner date, and was too embarrassed to ask me to a military ball with him (but he has managed to ask me on several dates, yes, weird). He's a great guy. Attentive and considerate, but sadly I'm not at all physically attracted to him. Any other time, I would have let that cloud my judgement, but we have a lot in common with the military background and have great conversations. He checks on me daily and remembers things I've told him, so I've stepped outside my comfort zone and decided to see where it leads. (He's also the first to not make any inappropriate overtures and respects my position as a single mother).

I had almost given up on dating, but decided to go on just one more when he asked me to dinner a couple of weeks ago. So maybe there'll be more flowers in my future....

And I'm looking forward to going to the ball!