Monday, September 23, 2013

Ready to move on?

So this weekend, I thought I would try something new... Firefighter stayed over Saturday night, so Sunday morning, I decided to cook and serve breakfast 'en famille' with him sitting at the other end of the table. I just wanted to see how everyone would react. We've had dinner at the table with George, but usually the boys are with their dad or we eat in front of the TV with the kids at the table, but it's always been dinner, not breakfast, so it's never really been a 'thing'. Anyway, the kids mostly took it in stride. Bad Boy seemed a little shy to be the first to sit at the table with Firefighter since Lil One and Baby Girl were helping me in the kitchen, but ultimately, it felt 'OK'.

Then I kicked the kids outside for the day. It was glorious and there was no reason for them to be cooped up inside. I would have loved to have been outside, but the football was on... I even ignored two phone calls from my mother because of the game. And I'm still disgusted with her to be honest.

Anyway, Sunday was spent in sort of domesticated bliss... and yet I wasn't really happy. Don't get me wrong. He is lovely and would make an awesome partner, but that's the problem. He is obviously happy with me, and he is smitten with Onyx, is getting along with the kids, we spend a lot of time on my side of the fence.... but there is no getting in on his side. So I spoke with a girlfriend about it over the weekend. I'm just not in the frame of mind to put any more effort in. I've unconsciously backed off over the last couple of months, since he sent his email clarifying what he wants, only now, I find that he seems just as conflicted as I am.

I started out last year not wanting a relationship. I wanted someone to hang out with occasionally and have lots of amazing sex... then there was the incident last November which prompted me to let him know I don't play those kinds of games and he seemed to change track a lil bit. Now he seems content with the part-time relationship we have. I say part-time because during the week we are single, but on the weekends we are, if possible, spending EVEN more time together. But it's always at one or the other of our homes. I am loathe to initiate any outings, mostly because I feel like we spend all our time with my friends, and none with his. Despite having said in July that he wants to be able to spend time with his friends, he still blows them off to sit in front of the TV with me. If I make plans that do not include him, he seems to get upset, but why should I include him in my life, if he won't include me in his?

So on Sunday, while chillaxin' on the couch, I could tell he was confused about why I didn't 'snuggle' with him. I usually drop not so subtle hints about him sitting next to me so I can lay on him. This weekend, I held myself apart. He soon contrived ways to rest an arm on me or scooch closer somehow. More than once I caught him looking at me. I'm sure he was completely lost as to the change, but frankly, I'm a little perturbed. I mean, choose a status, dammit. The upcoming weekend, my boys are with their dad and I know his assumption will be that I will stay at his place, but there's a part of me that says I need to not do that. I think after a year we have three options:

1. Stop having sex and just be friends;
2. Stop being friends and just have sex;
3. Call a spade a spade and outwardly declare that we are in a relationship.

Option 4 is to continue as we are, but with birthdays and holidays around the corner, there are defining points to each of the above that dictate how we treat each, for example:

Option 1: It's acceptable to give a card, go out for a meal or drinks, buy an inexpensive, impersonal gift;
Option 2: Give him a birthday fuck and keep it moving;
Option 3: Buy him something special (he's turning 40) and expect to plan and attend family celebrations...

Option 4... Same as last year, wait for him to decide if\when he wants to include me in his birthday plans.

I'm frankly not bothered about my birthday this year. I put in too much time and money last year to only have one friend actually show up... This year I am strongly debating selfishly buying a ticket to the Niners game in DC and going alone....

The subject of Christmas has come up and he asked if he was included on my gift list and let me know that he doesn't HAVE to work every Christmas, but I have not made any plans yet, and probably won't until mid-November anyway.

I won't bring it up to him again. I guess it's the attentiveness that I miss. I care pretty deeply for him. I would like to think he has a degree of caring for me too, and I sometimes wonder if it's a self-defense mechanism that he is withholding any signs of feelings from me, but I also wonder if he realises the damage that that is causing to what could be a decent relationship. I keep trying to give him more time, but I also hate the unknown Sarah who caused him to be this way...

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