Monday, November 4, 2013


I found this meme the other week and just kind of held onto it for a while as it really rang true with me.

Firefighter and I may not be in the traditional relationship that everyone expects, but it works for us. Yes, at times I'm confused, but it's mostly because I don't know what the boundaries are and that is something I'm still trying to decipher. Firefighter doesn't like to 'talk'. He's not good at it and to be honest neither am I. Not when the lines are blurred. We've substituted the word 'Love' for 'Like'. We don't over-use it. Just every now and then one of us will say "I like you". It's no big deal, just nice to hear. Firefighter is more the quietly demonstrative type. No hearts and flowers, but attentive. It's hard to explain. There's no artifice. He doesn't lie. I did kind of upset him last weekend when he asked to take me for dinner and I gave some very flimsy excuses for why he couldn't and then when he said he could take me this weekend, I said "But it's not my birthday". Well, I messed up yesterday by telling him that the guys I used to work with paid for my lunch at Hooters for my birthday. His response "What did you tell me about dinner this weekend? "It's not my birthday anymore"". So I tried to tell him I didn't want him to have to feel like he had to take me to dinner since he came with me and my boys to Fleming's, but he said he wanted to as it was part of my gift along with the beautiful flowers he sent to me. So now I feel like a bitch...

So it's my weekend with my kids and Firefighter has already asked me to go to his company Fall Festival at 2pm on Saturday and then skeet shooting afterwards. When he suggested also taking me to dinner, I had to remind him that the kids would be home waiting for me. Ugh! It was getting difficult!!

Anyway, we'll work something out, but that's not what I wanted to talk about, just kind of setting the scene that we do have a relationship, it's just not conventional.

My Past is trying to mentally sabotage the relationship. Yes, of course, he has ulterior motives, such as he would like for me to enter into an extra-marital affair with him once he moves to North Carolina... Yesterday, he spent a good deal of time trying to tell me that Firefighter constantly tells me what he's doing, who he's with, and 'booking up' all my weekend time, because he's trying to keep me to himself while he steps out on me. Now, I can say that having known Firefighter for almost 15 months, that this is just not who he is. We've talked about his past relationship and he is desperately afraid of hurting someone or being hurt again. Not only that, but when he says he's in bed at 8pm and asleep by 9pm, he means it! I truly believe that if he thought I was sleeping with other men, that it would actually really hurt him. And having met his family, male or not, it's not how his mother raised him. We've had a few discussions about fidelity triggered by shows that we watch and it's just not something he would do. He would tell me if he was sleeping with anyone else. But it set that bug in the back of my mind. Just enough to niggle. My Past got quite annoyed with me when I cut the conversation short. I knew what he was trying to do, and as little as a year ago, I would have believed him and been swayed, but I've learnt a lot about human nature in the last year. I'm starting to trust Firefighter, which is something I never thought I'd be able to do. So I don't need discouragement from someone who doesn't know him as I do.

Imagine how annoyed My Past was when he asked if I was going to be able to break away (from Firefighter) and I replied with "I guess we'll have to deal with that when you get here".

Growing in strength and resilience...

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