Monday, November 11, 2013

Leap of faith

It took months of working up to it. I backed out countless times; finding excuses every time.

I don't know how I finally found the courage, but Firefighter now knows why I'm the way I am.

I started by asking him how he would describe my character to people. I wasn't fishing for compliments. I'm always curious what people really see when they meet me. Leftover issues from the mental battering I got from my dad I guess.

I told him about the years of abuse by my parents. And how that cycle continued when I married my husband. Oh, he doesn't know the full extent. I wasn't looking for sympathy. I just needed him to understand why I don't want another man in my life. Controlling me. 

Have I frightened him? I don't think so. But if you're going to have a relationship with someone, you have to start with honesty. Whether it's a friend, a boyfriend, co-worker or any other. If you can't be honest, tell the whole truth, you are only cheating yourself. It doesn't matter how small, but every lie or omission takes away from who we are.

Yes, I come with baggage. Not drama, just some leftover ugliness.

So Firefighter had noticed the swelling at the base of my spine. Was shocked at how long it had been there. Angry that no one had helped me. I like that about him. He sees things.

Neither of us wants more than what we have. I don't want to be controlled, he doesn't want to be changed. Ironic that both of those things are one and the same. Now he gets it. Now he gets me.

And it's ok.

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