Where are your manners?

I recently saw a post on Facebook that I wish I had downloaded and saved. It was a witty meme about education not stopping at school and after my experience with the new neighbour's son last night, I have to say that parents are letting society down by not teaching their kids the basic virtues that separate us from the animals... like manners!

The number of children I have come across lately that do not know they are children is shocking!

Case in point:

Last night I was enjoying a book and a glass of wine on my porch while I let the kids run around and blow off steam, when the neighbour's son came over to talk to Bad Boy. These are the EXACT words he said, in front of me, to my son: "Get on your bike. And where's <Baby Girl>. I need help with my homework. Get her out here now." So, I took a deep breath, turned to look him square in the eye and told him "She's inside doing her chores and has EOG's to study for. She will not be able to help you." When what I really wanted to say was "Did you parents not teach you how to converse with other people?" I have met his parents. I'm being kind when I say that they are perhaps from another social caste than I was raised in....

After dinner, I elected to go for a walk with my children. This same brat invited himself along. I was not happy.

So given that they are our new neighbours, this situation is obviously quite tenuous. I made sure to tell my children later that I did not appreciate the way he spoke to either them or myself and that I better not hear of my children speaking to anyone that way.

We always hear that racism is not something we are born with and this is of course true. It is a learned behaviour, either at home or from peers, but so are the many virtues that seem to have been forgotten! I've referenced this list from Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_virtues where they have divided the various virtues into the following categories:

Self Control
Self-Efficacy
Regard
Respect
Kindness

And of course, the virtue I'm particularly referring to is a social virtue Politeness that falls under "Respect". Is it really too much to teach your children how they should properly talk to people? Perhaps if he had approached the situation like this "Do you want to ride your bike with me? And is <Baby Girl> able to help me with my homework today? Is she busy?" maybe my response would have been similar, but I would have tagged on "She may be able to help you for a half hour or so, but she really needs to focus on her studying"...

I am frequently complimented on how polite my children are when they go to other people's homes, which makes me guilty of the sin of Pride, but it's worth it to know that my children listen to me even if they don't practice those same virtues at home.... smh!

When is bullying not bullying?

With the increase in teen suicides related to instances of cyber bullying, this subject is finally getting more publicity and more action, but I have to say that this week I completely lost faith in the Wake County school system and one Vice Principle in particular.

My daughter is typically a quiet person, but lately she has been coming out of her shell and speaking up for herself. The son of a neighbour, who used to be her best friend, in recent years has become a pain. For both her and myself.

I won't go into the specifics of what exactly he did, because it would take too long and only get me riled up again. It was a minor squabble between friends and I admit I initially downplayed it. Until last night when I sat Baby Girl down and had her walk me through the entire timeline. This after I had spoken to the Vice Principle who stated that because she hadn't seen any incidents, she couldn't comment on whether any bullying had taken place, but she had spoken to both children and was satisfied that they would simply stay away from each other. My daughter had texted me immediately prior to the phone call to tell me that when she went to speak to the teacher, she had called the situation stupid. Now Baby Girl is only 14... and we all know that there is a tendency to exaggerate, but I told the teacher that I wasn't happy that she had not taken my daughters grief at the situation seriously. I found out when my daughter got home that the teacher, a VICE PRINCIPLE had pulled her out of class to demand to know if she had called me to say that she had said it was stupid!!!

Pulled my child out of class because her sensibilities were wounded!!

Suffice it to say, the Principle will be seeing the not-so-friendly side of me today. My further emails yesterday were unanswered. The boy who instigated the trouble gets off scott-free as usual and faces no ramifications for his actions.

I don't care that there are only two weeks left of the school year. They are going to the same high school, riding the same bus everyday... more angst is bound to ensue. His mother doesn't help the situation either. Her son can do no wrong and this isn't the first time she's come to my door and made MY child cry because of something HER child did!

The battle lines have been drawn!

I'm off to deal with a bullying Vice Principle....

Career Win!

Suffice it to say, of all the elements in an adult's life, the only one I seem to get right is my career.

Yes, my kids love me. I'm a harsh, but fair parent and they have everything they need and want... My marriage was an epic failure, but not for lack of me trying and to be honest getting out was the absolute best thing I could have done for myself and my children. Relationships are my weak point. I'm close to my uncle, my older sister and my best friend since we were 4 years old, but that's about it. I have always hated that one aspect of being a military brat... I was never anywhere long enough to establish long term friendships (except for TeaCake, but she gets me and we've never fallen out). It makes it hard for me to get close to friends now, because they typically already have their 'close' circle, and I just float on the outside. I still haven't figured out why some folks aren't talking to me...

But the one thing I do get right.... my job. I'm sitting in my home office, where I now work full time, after having dropped the kids off at their various bus stops on time this morning. I made a sizable dent in cleaning out the junk (enough that I now have my monitors and docking station etc set up) and just need to sort out the filing.. The cat is driving me crazy getting into everything and there is still a giant TV in here that needs to GO, but I feel awesome. Yesterday I put a call in to my previous colleague and a large CRO to get some information on a product that we used to use there, and the first thing he said is "When are you coming back? We need you" Apparently, SharePoint went to Hell after I left. I told him that sadly they couldn't afford me anymore and he figured that was the case.

So in the last couple of months, I've been offered an amazing senior position, negotiated a better deal where I'm at when they said they didn't want me to go (the deal included a large pay increase, work from home, early conversion to FTE as well as a host of other benefits. So if nothing else, I can at least say I've done that right. Long hours, hard work... of course, I will still be encouraging my brats to go to college, but I am still proud of my accomplishments over the last 17 years.

May Day!

A lot going on today!

First of all, it's my beautiful Baby Girl's 14th birthday. I had a proud mama moment when she asked if I could buy her a dress to wear to school today. Then she spent hours last night washing and straightening her own hair.... Wait... Proud mama?? Scared mama!! She's primping now! High school is a mere few months away! Crap!

Secondly, today my promotion is official! Yay!! And I get to work from home. So after taking the boys to the bus, coming home to help make sure Baby Girl's hair looked awesome and driving her up the street to the bus stop. I have now tidied the family room, cooked a sausage, egg and cheese omelette with toast and cleaned the kitchen, taken the trash out.... Checked email...

If I play my cards right, I'll be able to get the laundry done and bags packed for the beach this weekend in between dealing with client issues and deploying solutions... And wrap birthday gifts, grab lunch, get a shower and still have energy to take Baby Girl for the traditional birthday dinner at her favourite Italian...

DBAGuy says I'm going to wear myself out. This after he drove all the way out last night to help with the brats since I developed a migraine and almost fainted in the store. I'm not sure him laughing at my prescription-med induced rambling really counts as 'helping', but actually having help with the brats was definitely a God-send! Anytime you can text someone, tell them you almost passed out and they drop what they're doing to come make sure you're OK, you know you have a friend. AND he offered to take Baby Girl to get her cupcakes! So there's a trip to my neurologist in my future since this is the second episode in 3 weeks where I've almost  fainted dead away.... DBAGuy's making me go!

Ass-inine

Yes, I know I spelt it wrong....

But it so accurately describes Douchebag.

Summer is barely 7 weeks away and the boys' father still has not notified me of which weeks he would like to have them for their vacation. I have emailed him no less than four times in the last two months, but until this week, I had very little in the way of specific plans for them and so was in no real hurry. However, out of the blue on Sunday, my dad asked to have them for a couple of weeks. I know. I was shocked too! So now, I need to buy plane tickets!

Side bar: The court order stipulates that they are supposed to reside with the custodial parent during their time, but I plan on getting that changed and I don't see a judge having a problem with them spending time with their biological parent - especially since their father claims to be such great friends with him!

Anyway, given that I sent an email on Sunday and Douchebag had not responded within a reasonable amount of time, I went ahead and booked their flights to Chicago this morning.... And then emailed Douchebag to let him know which weeks were still available for summer.

His response?

"I have been quite busy and have not been able to review when I will have the boys this summer.  Per the court order "I" choose my vacation dates for the boys, not you.  I will let you know exactly when I will have my summer vacation with the boys in due time."

So this was expected. And I was prepared:

Respectfully, the order does NOT stipulate that you get to chose your vacation weeks. I'm sure the intention of the court is for us to discuss and agree on mutually convenient plans for our children. I have been patient and accommodating in previous years, however my family has asked to spend time with them and it was necessary to make plans sooner rather than later. I have copied the relevant clause in the order relating to summer vacation below:

1.      The holiday schedule shall be as follows:

a.       The minor children will be attending camp during the summer.

b.      The minor child, Georgia Lauryn Prosse, shall be attending volleyball camp in Georgia during this period.

c.       The Defendant shall have the minor children for two non-consecutive weeks of the summer vacation.

d.      The children shall spend the Thanksgiving holiday with the Defendant, from 9am until 9pm, on even numbered years beginning with 2012. The children shall spend the Thanksgiving holiday with the Plaintiff, from 9am until 9pm, on odd numbered years beginning with 2013.

e.       The children shall spend the first part of Christmas from the release of school until 6:00pm on the 27^th of 2012 Plaintiff in even numbered years beginning in 2012. The children shall spend the first part of Christmas from the release of school until 6:00pm on the 27^th of 2012 Defendant in odd numbered years beginning in 2013. 

And of course, he just can't help himself...

Sorry, we don't agree on this - no surprize.  Again, I will let you know when I will have summer vacation with the boys at a later date.

 

Sincerely,

I swear he sub-consciously wants me to win any custody battles. How can he think to co-parent when the word compromise does not exist in his vocabulary? I mean seriously? Or consideration.... So correct me if I'm wrong, but I can find no sentence in the clause above that states he and he alone gets to choose when they visit with him.

I defy him to attempt to spoil this for the kids like he did last year when he knew that we had planned to travel to the UK for my cousin's wedding. My plans are set, plane tickets have been purchased and in this instance, he has no standing. I am not budging on this. He decided to play hardball by filing a Motion for Contempt against me. I will not allow him to control us anymore.

as·i·nineˈasəˌnīn/

adjective

1. 1.

   extremely stupid or foolish.

   "Lydia ignored his asinine remark"

   synonyms:

   stupid, foolish, brainless, mindless, senseless, idiotic, imbecilic,ridiculous, ludicrous, absurd, nonsensical, fatuous, silly, inane,witless, empty-headed;

Placating Platitudes

I have a friend. I know! Shocking, right?!

Anyway, this friend, who shall hereafter be known as DBAGuy, used to work with me at a former employer (hence the name DBAGuy, he was my goto DBA) and is going through a difficult time in his marriage. In a nutshell, he's miserable and wants out, but can't figure out how, so he reached out to me to ask how I did it. Well, he didn't know the struggle I went through and am still going through, so it was a bit of an eye-opener for him. Not the actual legal act of separating, but how bad it got before I made the move. You see, his wife is similar to Douchebag. Oh, not the physical violence, but the asshole attitude, the selfishness etc. The more he explained it to me, the more I felt for him. Sympathy, empathy, grief even. You can tell he was really trying to make it work, but he's gotten himself into the same cycle I got into. A few good weeks and then a few bad, some discussion, and then back to a few good weeks... and so it goes on.

A couple of weeks ago, while I was attempting to relax and enjoy a hard-earned, overly-expensive trip to Jamaica, he asked if we could talk via Skype. He was in a very bad place and had been drinking heavily for a few days. During the 2 or 3 hour conversation (thank God for the free wi-fi), he made a statement that caught me, and I have to agree with him. He hasn't told anyone else about his marital issues, not even family, in large part, he says, because he doesn't want to hear the usual platitudes "It is what it is", "Do what you can", You're strong, you'll get through this". He thanked me for being there for him because not once had I ever used one on him. It knocked me into silence for a few minutes, (during which time he thought the connection had been dropped) but I came back and told him truthfully that it was because in  the 3 years I had been going through it, not once had it helped me to hear that "I'm strong". I know I am, but when you are in the middle of a battle to save your children's home, dealing with the emotions and recovering from being a battered wife (yes, diagnosed as such), keeping a smile on your face becomes the most exhausting thing in the world. And on top of that my own family has barely been there for me, even lumping their own (relatively insignificant problems) onto my shoulders because I'm "the rock".

DBAGuy asks me how I'm doing and genuinely CARES about the answer. When I told him the gory details he actually responded with "Wow, no one had any idea you were even going through any of that". So he's become my pseudo-therapist. It's cathartic to be able to speak to him and his responses are not to placate me, they are to help me. He helped me make a decision between the two fabulous job offers; he's listened to and talked me through the myriad issues of having a teenage daughter and as a result my relationship with her is improving; he invites himself over with a bottle of wine and we talk for hours. I haven't got to the point where I'm comfortable enough to cry in front of him yet, but I haven't felt the need to blog about what's going on because I've had someone there.

I'm a firm believer that people come into our lives at certain times for a reason, so although I worked with him a while ago, we really didn't start hanging out in social settings until after I'd left the company, but right around mid-October when I was starting to hit rock bottom, is when he started to open up and talk to me about his issues. I didn't start talking until after Christmas, but that's because it takes me a while to trust now. I still have so many hurdles, and so many bad days, but the hurdles seem slightly less daunting, the bad days have a friend at the end of the phone ready with a bottle of wine and I feel a little more confident that I can and will get through it. He has taught me that I am worthy and I deserve more.

And he will always have a special place in my heart.

The 3 B's

Pretty much all I need for vacation is the three B's: bed, beach and bar....

Mostly because with the way my life is right now, I really just want kickback and relax when I do get a chance to vacation.

So by Sunday, I finally hit jackpot...

We had an awesome "tour guide" called Rhoan for the day. Drove us the 200 miles to Ochos Rios found a waterfall for a photo opp for us and then took us to a little, out-of-the-way beach in St Ann's where I finally got to swim in the Caribbean! Yay!

I was kinda bummed that I didn't get to try some of the famous Devon House I scream, but maybe I'll plan a return....

The food at Usain Bolt's restaurant was incredible and in typical fashion I ordered too much and only ate about half, but that's ok; I got a taste of everything :-)

Now I'm heading back to reality. I missed my kids! Still need to get the boys a lil something because I didn't get the opportunity over the weekend, but Baby Girl got spoilt as usual. I love that I can do that for them.