Awkward!

Funny story.

I went to Firefighter's company Fall Festival this weekend. I've met many of his co-workers before, and heard about most others, but this weekend I met management. If I had doubts about our relationship before , they were completely crushed Saturday. You can usually tell when people have heard about you, or if they were oblivious to your existence. Well, his boss's boss even knew who I was.... I was welcomed and treated as all the other spouses who were there. I didn't take my kids though. They ain't ready for that!

Anyway, Firefighter works with another supervisor, Nick, who is the bane of his job. I'm always hearing funny stories about him and this weekend I became part of one when, on being introduced, he said "is this your sister?" I'm rarely rendered truly speechless... I was on Saturday! Not least because everyone in the room knew me as Firefighter's significant other... but also that his sister is significantly older than him. Firefighter was noticeably annoyed by the faux pas and wouldn't let it go... I'll get over it though. The poor guy couldn't stop apologising. Another colleague told Firefighter "See, that's why you guys need to hold hands or something in public. Even kiss each other once in a while." I like her :-)

It was a nice day. He even made plans for one of his colleagues family's to come to my Super Bowl party, I met the guy I'll be shooting with tomorrow, and his boss was very sweet to me. 

I've spent so much time focusing on titles and trying to decipher what the heck is going on that I almost missed the important thing. Actions. 

Sabotage?

I found this meme the other week and just kind of held onto it for a while as it really rang true with me.

Firefighter and I may not be in the traditional relationship that everyone expects, but it works for us. Yes, at times I'm confused, but it's mostly because I don't know what the boundaries are and that is something I'm still trying to decipher. Firefighter doesn't like to 'talk'. He's not good at it and to be honest neither am I. Not when the lines are blurred. We've substituted the word 'Love' for 'Like'. We don't over-use it. Just every now and then one of us will say "I like you". It's no big deal, just nice to hear. Firefighter is more the quietly demonstrative type. No hearts and flowers, but attentive. It's hard to explain. There's no artifice. He doesn't lie. I did kind of upset him last weekend when he asked to take me for dinner and I gave some very flimsy excuses for why he couldn't and then when he said he could take me this weekend, I said "But it's not my birthday". Well, I messed up yesterday by telling him that the guys I used to work with paid for my lunch at Hooters for my birthday. His response "What did you tell me about dinner this weekend? "It's not my birthday anymore"". So I tried to tell him I didn't want him to have to feel like he had to take me to dinner since he came with me and my boys to Fleming's, but he said he wanted to as it was part of my gift along with the beautiful flowers he sent to me. So now I feel like a bitch...

So it's my weekend with my kids and Firefighter has already asked me to go to his company Fall Festival at 2pm on Saturday and then skeet shooting afterwards. When he suggested also taking me to dinner, I had to remind him that the kids would be home waiting for me. Ugh! It was getting difficult!!

Anyway, we'll work something out, but that's not what I wanted to talk about, just kind of setting the scene that we do have a relationship, it's just not conventional.

My Past is trying to mentally sabotage the relationship. Yes, of course, he has ulterior motives, such as he would like for me to enter into an extra-marital affair with him once he moves to North Carolina... Yesterday, he spent a good deal of time trying to tell me that Firefighter constantly tells me what he's doing, who he's with, and 'booking up' all my weekend time, because he's trying to keep me to himself while he steps out on me. Now, I can say that having known Firefighter for almost 15 months, that this is just not who he is. We've talked about his past relationship and he is desperately afraid of hurting someone or being hurt again. Not only that, but when he says he's in bed at 8pm and asleep by 9pm, he means it! I truly believe that if he thought I was sleeping with other men, that it would actually really hurt him. And having met his family, male or not, it's not how his mother raised him. We've had a few discussions about fidelity triggered by shows that we watch and it's just not something he would do. He would tell me if he was sleeping with anyone else. But it set that bug in the back of my mind. Just enough to niggle. My Past got quite annoyed with me when I cut the conversation short. I knew what he was trying to do, and as little as a year ago, I would have believed him and been swayed, but I've learnt a lot about human nature in the last year. I'm starting to trust Firefighter, which is something I never thought I'd be able to do. So I don't need discouragement from someone who doesn't know him as I do.

Imagine how annoyed My Past was when he asked if I was going to be able to break away (from Firefighter) and I replied with "I guess we'll have to deal with that when you get here".

Growing in strength and resilience...

Who won that round?

Those who know me, know that I'm a sucker for my children and I find it really hard to enforce truly heinous punishments on them. However, this week I struck a personal victory!!

Baby Girl has been the WORST teen lately and has really challenged both my patience and my resolve. She had worked very hard to recover from the rough school year last year and had got her F's up to respectable C's, with just a couple of D's. Yes she had A's and B's as well, but those were in Band, which she loves, and Math which she rocks at. She still finds the written classwork difficult. I don't whether it's laziness or actual difficulty. Once she gets it done, she rocks it, so I'm going with just lazy... She also failed to do her chores, has lied repeatedly and is being just generally unpleasant to be around. So, as punishment, I told her absolutely NO trick or treating.

Now, here's the kicker. Normally I would cave at the last minute. It was starting to gnaw at me throughout the day. I spoke to my sister, she reassured me. Firefighter even understood my dilemma, but reminded me that I NEED to start sticking to my guns. Now, he has seen some of her behaviour lately, so he knows what I'm going through. On top of everything else I'm dealing with, I worry constantly about Baby Girl. She only has me so when I have to play Bad Cop, I hate it. She is going through puberty which is difficult enough, but she rarely talks to anyone, so I can't tell if she needs anything. Emotional support. My sister has said she will step in and try and call her one day, just to make sure she knows that she can call her or my mum any time and my neighbour, NY Cop and his wife always offer to let her come over. They are fabulous and are almost like surrogate grandparents. The only concern there is that Douchebag also talks to them, so Baby Girl knows to be careful what she tells them.

So anyway, yesterday evening I arrived home with a witches hat as I planned to dress up a little to give out the candy (I really just wanted to wear my leather skirt...) and she actually thought it was for her. Kudos to her for not sulking when I gently reminded her that she would not be partaking in the festivities this year. Now, I could have been really mean and made her stay in her room, but I allowed her to come out on the porch and hand out candy and when a couple of the neighbours snuck her some, I pretended not to see. I only stepped in when she got brazen and tried to take it right in front of me.

So she still hasn't washed any dishes in a while, but maybe I can start to switch up the chores and share it with her brothers so that she's not doing the dishes everyday... Now that I have successfully enforced more than just losing TV privileges (which she still doesn't have back), maybe the kids will begin to take me seriously. They know that I am having a really tough time, and I hate that I had to tell them how bad things were, but I was making it tough on myself by pasting on a smile and pretending I'm ok. Ms Olivia Pope has reminded me that she's there for me, which I really appreciate. I've tried to be a friend to everyone else and forgotten that I need help too. The next couple of months will really try my strength, but I have people in my corner... I'll get through it.

Tough Times. Need to Vent

Sadly it's another two blog day, and this one isn't as amusing as the last one.

I hate being weak.

I'm not weak, I know this, but there are times when I honestly feel like I'm not going to make it. I took on a lot of baggage after leaving my husband. I had to find a way to pay bills, keep a large house functioning, go to work and raise three very demanding and very different children. Not to mention filing bankruptcy, dealing with the DA and the stalking trial, and keeping up with my divorce attorney's requests for paperwork. It all gets on top of me. It's little wonder that I occasionally have to retreat, gather strength so I can carry on. I have dropped the ball several times. Sometimes I've dropped more than one. But I've tried not to show it. Tried not to be a burden on others. And with the holiday season right around the corner, it's only going to get worse. I have so many things I need to do at the moment and very little time or energy to do them.

This weekend, I'm hoping to make a little money from the yard sale, being very careful not to sell anything that might be considered 'joint assets'. And then there's my 2011 taxes that need filing and paperwork for the bank to modify my mortgage all needs to be pulled together, sent in and filed (since I know they will lose it and request it AGAIN). My home office is a wreck. It's the one room in the house I can't face at the moment, but I know I need to get in there. Maybe with a large bottle of wine.

The boys need Halloween costumes and after our Come to Jesus discussion last night they have agreed to try and salvage last years costumes to save me some money. Baby Girl is grounded and will not be trick or treating this year after being a total brat on my birthday...

And then there's dating. I'm flattered that I can quite literally have my pick of bed partners... but I can't understand why it's so difficult to find someone who wants a grown up relationship. Yes, there's Firefighter and he's great, but he's not long-term. At least that's what he says. We'll see after his company "Fall Festival" this Saturday when he takes me shooting, lol!! But of all the guys that I can count on for a booty call, anytime, any day, none want to put in any effort towards actual dating. You know, like dinner and the movies. Those that do, pretty much expect the booty afterwards. With Firefighter, I have exactly what I want. We talk, have dinner, go places, and, my personal favourite - lounge around in front of the TV for hours on end. The sex is amazing and there is no drama. What could be better, right? I'm even ok with him having his place, me having mine, the only complaint is the distance between them, but since that's his only complaint, I think we're doing ok.

So I'm working through some stuff. That I should have been working through all along, but other things popped up and I put myself on a back-burner.

Arachnophobia

I have suffered from this painful affliction my entire life. And yes, I consider it to be painful!! I cannot look at on TV or in magazines, be in the same vicinity as, or even talk about the 8-legged freaks without breaking out in a sweat, spontaneous itching ALL OVER and nausea.... If the situation is such that it's high likely I might have to touch it, or something it was touching, I get panic attacks, severe anxiety and have had full-on meltdowns. It's embarrassing.

Curly used to find it amusing to smoosh them on my bedroom wall and leave them... knowing I would not be able to sleep. However, as we've gotten older, even though she still laughs at me, she will kill and remove the offending creature.

So yesterday I had a very trying day. I had very little sleep having woken up at 1:30am, but I still hit the gym, ran to the grocery store and headed home to cook dinner. I was sweaty, tired and the boys were full of random conversation that was making my head hurt... about a mile from the house, I spot a spider. On my windscreen. On the INSIDE of the windscreen.... So I grab my phone and call Baby Girl - imagine my surprise when she actually answered! In a somewhat shaky voice I ask her to meet me in the garage with 'something' to kill the damn thing. She protested.... when I arrive, she has the kitchen cleaner in her hand. 

<sigh>

So the back of the car was a mess, I had groceries to get out of the trunk, and was a wreck having driven a full mile with a spider right in front of me! I tell the boys to clean out the back seat. Lil One starts crying because 'it's not his mess', Bad Boy is teasing baby Girl who is angry about having to kill the spider.... My evening is going to Hell. So I yank everyone in the kitchen and have a come to Jesus meeting with them. It's tough trying to explain to children why money is tight and mum gets upset at being constantly asked for money for 'stuff'. I hate to be stingy, but trying to raise three children, pay a mortgage and keep up with bills is NOT easy! 

Cooking soothes me, but I had lost my appetite, so I clean up while they eat, then go upstairs to chill, get in a  little Ab Challenge workout and take a shower.

This morning, I actually slept pretty good. I got up at 5:30, woke the kids with little fuss and manage to get out the door in time to make the bus. Little did I know we would NOT be making the bus.... Halfway there, my little stowaway DROPS DOWN from the visor, right in front of my face. There's a Sheriff's car behind me, so somehow I manage to throw on my indicator and pull over to the side of the road... And YELL at the boys to KILL IT!! Of course, it retreated to it's hiding space, so after a few minutes, I decide to just drive them to school. No. Another couple miles down the road, there he is again. This time we spend 10 minutes trying to get it. Side of the road, blinkers on, how many people do you think stopped to help? Yeah, none....

So we found a Saks bag in the trunk and used that to try and chase it out of the slot between the roof and the windscreen. Eventually, I hop back in and pray all the way to school that it doesn't reappear. It didn't. Until I pulled out of the carpool lane. No problem. Walmart is around the corner. So I go straight to the tire and lube section thinking insect\bug killer will be near there somewhere and I ask the guy for help. He very kindly offers to come out to the car and kill it for me, but I say no, I can spray it, as I didn't want to pull him away from the counter.... so I now have spider and scorpion killer (yes, overkill, no I don't care). I roll the windows down.... and BLITZ the entire area!! If he ain't dead now... He's some kind of mutant! I roll on to the office, and one of the guys has offered to check the car for me before I leave. Firefighter laughed at me.... there will be retribution for that!

Back on it!

Ok. No excuses! I over-indulged this weekend. I'm 30 lbs away from my goal weight, 6" away from goal waist, it's time to get serious again. I was up at 4:30am back on my Zumba abs workout. Had a sensible meal day, oatmeal, V8 fusion, green tea, and a large sandwich, then got in 30 minutes of solid cardio at the gym. Didn't get my heart rate up where it needs to be, but I'm coming off a two month hiatus and my knees and back protested. I kept it moving when I got home by kicking off the 30 ab challenge after I'd fed the kids.

Luckily, I know my body. I've already plateaued so I know I have to really kick it up a notch to knock off another 10 lbs. The final 20 will definitely be a challenge that I'll need help with. I know my weakness and I tend to favour workouts which gets me in a rut. I'm missing a few workout videos that I use to switch it up, but I also need to be held accountable so I've reached out to some friends who workout as hard as I know I can and hopefully by Thanksgiving I'll be clearing out my wardrobe again. Much as I can't really afford it!!

The added distraction will help eat up time and keep me from pestering Firefighter. I'm doing good. Little stressed over money and court hearings, but I'm trying to hold it together. I apologized to the kids for the mini meltdown today and we're all doing good again. Minus the teen. Baby Girl is still driving me a little nuts. Think we could both do with a break from each other.  :-\

A Very Happy Birthday

I've been so tired lately that all I really wanted was to be surrounded by special people this year. And that's exactly what I got. Alright, so a couple of people were missing but they're back home in the UK.

And every now and then I get insecure about my relationship with Firefighter, but then he says or does something to make it all ok again. Well, mostly ok. I'm still confused, but I'm taking it a day at a time. I'm mostly reassured by him being able to talk about plans a month or two down the line and his family beginning to include me, but he occasionally surprises me with other stuff, like the upcoming Fall Festival his company is throwing that he's invited me to. I know parties aren't his thing, but he sat patiently through my neighbour's Halloween party dressed as Chucky until just after midnight so they could wish me happy birthday. He was asleep before I got out the shower after the party though, lol! And he surprised me with flowers since I was being a pain about gifts for my birthday, and he's taking me to dinner at some point... When I'm free.

So for thanksgiving this year, I have so much to be grateful for. I have wonderful friends, mostly fabulous children (Baby Girl is currently the Bain of my life), and this terrific guy. God has definitely been good to me!!

Speaking of Thanksgiving.... I better start working on that one!