Back to work

So I had a quiet weekend. Got my hair did, took Firefighter to Fleming's for dinner Saturday (well I had just had my hair did, I had to go somewhere), and then had a lazy Sunday, full of church and football. An added perk of working in a bank is getting ALL the Federal holidays, so Monday I intended to use my Columbus Day wisely and get through my Honey-Do list (yes, I'm aware I have no Honey, but that doesn't mean I don't have things to do...).

So I took a friend birthday breakfast after dropping the boys off at school, and then headed home thinking I'd get started... Uhhhh, no, not so much. I had woken up at 2am, so I went home and climbed into bed, became very anti-social and took a nap. For twenty minutes. SMH.

Around 11am, I bounced up, changed into some old workout clothes and bust open that can of paint that has been collecting dust for a good 4 or 5 months. I only had one wall to finish painting, but it was the one behind my extremely heavy bed.... This time common sense set in and I removed the mattress before trying to move the bed. Shocking really that it only took me an hour and a half to paint that wall and the one in the bathroom... I was interrupted by a few IM's, and then had to pick Baby Girl up from school with a headache, but I finally got it finished around 2pm. I must say, it looks amazing. Funny how that one wall pulled the rest of it together. I went for a slightly feminine, vintage-modern look.... No frills, but it is shades of lilac and purple with a hint of green and grey. I LOVE it!

After picking the boys up from school and running to the store, I came straight back home, poured a glass of wine and curled up on my couch. I didn't even text Firefighter for the ENTIRE evening. I know that had to leave him confused, but it was just that serene.... Tonight's plans involve a book and wine and I may just become a recluse again.... for a little bit. Just a couple of things to do in the bathroom and my spa-oasis-retreat will be complete. I need a plumber...

The Honey-Do list still has quite a bit left to do on it, but I'll work on it for the rest of the week...

My Past...

Yes, today is a two post day. I wasn't going to, but to be honest, I'm a little weirded out.

I had thought that I had managed to 'lose' My Past. I purposely sent an inappropriate text at a time when I knew he would be at home, in bed with his wife. It was, oh, around 7am on a Saturday morning....

Well, we have a mutual friend, who I have stayed in touch with and periodically, he will pop up occasionally and ask me how I'm doing and then casually drop My Past's name into the conversation. When this happens, I know I will be hearing from My Past in the next couple of days. I've become so accustomed to it, that it no longer fazes me, so when Roach (the friend, don't ask about the nickname) sent me a message Monday, I knew it would only be a matter of time. Monday, I got bold and asked Roach if My Past had ever had any conversations about me with him and he claims no, but he tends to ask just the right question to let me know that he knows more than he lets on. So Monday's conversation got pretty frank, and I let him know that My Past had dropped the ball on our relationship. He agreed, and seems to think that I will never fully be rid of My Past.

After today, I'm inclined to agree. Which frightens me.

Today My Past texted and asked if I was in a better mood. I hate that he knows me that well. That was at 11:47am. He then proceeded to text me all day. Not the usual "Send me a pic", type of text, but the kind that, had he been in a relationship with me, would have been totally expected. We talked. And during the course of the conversation, he started talking about when we met, what had attracted him to me. He remembers every detail of our first night. I am ashamed to say, that I am mostly hazy... I remembered stuff as he was saying it, but had he not brought it up, I wouldn't. He remembered what I wore, what we talked about, what song we danced to. It was shocking to know that this man, who I have been, let's be honest, having an affair with for 18 years, has kept all of this locked away.

Roach had commented that My Past never talks about himself much. And that used to drive me insane, but then I realised, while talking to Roach, that I actually know more about My Past than the people who lived with him. Roach hadn't even known he had a daughter and was surprised when I told him I had met her. Years ago. I know the whole story. So, anyway. I'm going home now. I'm supposed to call him from the car... maybe I'll forget... it happens...

**UPDATE**

I was not allowed to forget to call. He texted me all the way to my car... smh

Green-Eyed Monsters

So recently, my sister enjoyed a moment of hilarity at my expense while I tried to explain the very odd relationship issues I've been having with Firefighter. The hilarity comes from me not behaving as 99.999% of females do, but instead being more like men. I'm very cut and dried when it comes to, well, pretty much everything. I hate ambiguity and would rather just get it out in the open.

That being said, Firefighter has said that while he hasn't been intimate with anyone else since meeting me, that doesn't mean that he wouldn't. Well, ok, that's fine. As long as he realises that that sword cuts both ways....

Friday he went to a female friends new apartment. Aside from asking him if they had a good time, I just left him to it and didn't ask any questions. He, on the other hand, texted me frequently that night and let me know when he was leaving and when he got home to bed. It was around that time that I let slip that I was going out for the night with a group of girlfriends... he was not pleased, but tried not to make a big deal of it.

So anyway. I have been trying to finish painting my bedroom for a several months now, and I have a male friend, we'll call him Fred, who has offered to help me with painting before. I hadn't heard from him in a while, but he got in touch recently and said he wanted to catch up, so I asked if he wanted to help paint. Unfortunately, it just happens that his work schedule is too fluid for us to nail down a good time for him to come over, so we've been going back and forth for a few days about it, but yesterday I mentioned to Firefighter that 'a friend' was going to help and that 'he' may come on Monday when I'm off work.

(A bit of background, when Firefighter and I have talked about painting previously, he has said how much he dislikes it, which is why I didn't ask for his help.)

And guess what.

Firefighter offers to paint it on Sunday. So just for fun, I told him it was ok, since I know he doesn't enjoy painting, that I would wait and see if Fred was still able to help. This morning, Firefighter is now insisting that it's just one wall, it won't take long, he'll do it Sunday.

So from this odd set of circumstances, is it me, or does it appear that Firefighter is not comfortable with another man, alone with me, in my house, in my bedroom, ostensibly painting the walls...? Until the point in the conversation where I let slip that it was a he, Firefighter had only said that it was a good idea to get someone else to do it since I have an injured neck. The small piece of me that is just a little bit girly is secretly flattered by his jealousy. While the largely non-girly part of me is rolling my eyes.

Annoying twitch

That pesky little annoying twitch that you sometimes get over your eye... or under your eye.. has been driving me CRAZY off and on for the last 48 hours....!

Someone once told me, it's caused by extreme fatigue, which would make sense since my insomnia is back. It's really very odd being beyond exhausted and yet still only sleeping an average of 4 hours a night... Anyway, maybe a weekend without the boys will help.

Lil One is in full-blown Christmas\Birthday mode.  He currently has two pages of Lego items and books that he would like for gifts... And Onyx is getting big. That's about all I have to talk about. I'm stuck in the Wilson office today, which I hate as there is ZERO cell reception! I am incredibly BORED. And poor Firefighter is getting annoyed lol.

OK, so if I close my eyes, the twitching stops... How long before someone notices I'm asleep though?

No Title to this Post

Kind of an apt title... It speaks volumes about where I'm at.

I hardly saw Firefighter this weekend. For the first time in a couple months. Since the infamous 'breakup' that ended up not really being a breakup.

Friday I went out with the ladies, but couldn't really get into it because I had to drive. And then Saturday, I could get no one to go with me to the 5K, so I blew it off... and Saturday evening was spent at home with a large bottle of Bacardi and three noisy, rambunctious boys... I was in bed knocked out by 11pm. He did text me while he was with his friends, which always boggles my mind. Why say you want to be casual and have space, but then text me while you are hanging out with others? I was constantly updated as to what they were doing and talking about. Very bizarre.

Sunday, I got up to go to church and then headed to his place to hang out for a bit before dinner at his sister's place for his niece's birthday. Oddly, on the ride over there, I had this thought in the back of my mind that it would be fried fish... guess what... it was fried fish. Firefighter was going to tell his sister that I don't eat seafood, but I told him not to worry about it and put just enough on my plate to not be considered rude.

And they're all Cowboys fans... so we watched the game, while I tried to fix his nephew's laptop which was having performance issues. Firefighter kept telling me that I didn't need to, but I felt self-conscious around his family and it helped distract me, so I did it anyway. During the blessing of the meal, his brother-in-law and sister put me on the spot again and insisted on introducing me and getting me to speak - my accent... smh. And then as we were leaving said they hope to see me again soon. This left me confused as Firefighter has said that his sister knows that he can't have kids and doesn't intend on getting married and I know he hasn't brought a 'girl' home in a while, if at all, to hang out with his family. Anyway, we left shortly before the start of the 4th quarter of the Cowboys game and went back to his place. I had already put my stuff in my car and intended on leaving, but he seemed to think I was coming inside for a bit, so I sat and watched the last of the game before leaving so I could get home in time for the Niners 8:30 kickoff.

I was (and still am) in a funk. This weird mixed relationship is getting difficult to read. Once a week, I remind myself to back off by re-reading his email. But then he begins to wonder what is wrong. Today, I have not heard from him. Last night I was a little abrupt with him on text. I like him. I want to stick at it because I like the way it is, but I'm afraid that I'm going to mess it up. I have to keep it casual to keep my feelings out of it, but the more casual I get, the more not-casual he gets.... I want to say something, but I don't know what it is that I want to say.

I'm not good at this being a girl stuff. Which amuses my sister...

Nothing's Going to Ruin My Weekend....

Not even pesky neck strain.

It's been a miserable week. Being sick or hurt brings home the difficulties of being a single parent. Rain or shine, I still have to cook, clean, feed, etc etc, three very hungry, busy children. I'm exhausted.

So Firefighter is otherwise occupied this weekend. And since I find that I have a free weekend. Well, at least until church on Sunday. I'm going to enjoy some much needed girl time! Miss H and I are rolling out late tonight. I've laid off the pain meds, but sadly don't have a DD and so will have a sober night anyway. First night out since July and a drink or five would have been nice.

I have successfully black-mailed the children into cleaning up, and am lounging on the sofa watching Revenge on Netflix, milking the "ouch, it hurts" as much as I can... at some point I will order pizza and then take a nap.

Tomorrow, I will attempt my first 5k in 4 months. With no training... But since I have meds at the house, I'm sure I'll survive :-) Surviving running into DJ, that's a-whole-nother matter. I will have to behave, but I will have the kids to run some interference.

Ugh, and then there's My Past. I thought I had got rid of him, but he's a persistent bastard. First he gets a mutual friend to check in on me, then he gets brazen enough to send a text to see what I'm up to. It's all good while he's 2000 miles away, but March gets closer everyday. My will-power is not that great when it comes to him.

But hey, it's the weekend. A great time to be single :-)

Let the birthmonth celebrations begin....!

Glowing

Feeling a little giggly and loved up this morning.

Firefighter spent most of yesterday asleep after having spent the night in the ER with his mum (who then around 2:30am decided she felt fine), but around 6pm woke up and checked to see if I was ready for my girls night out. I wasn't. I'd had a long day at work and wasn't really in the mood, so we'd canceled. And it was a Tuesday... so there would be no drinking anyway. So after his usual hinting around being hungry and going to the store once he decided what he wanted to eat, I offered to bring him some spaghetti. He's been hinting at it for a while now since he knows we have it every Tuesday... smh. I was tired, but figured I would make the 30 minute drive, eat, catch up for a bit and then be home by 9:30pm...

Not so lucky. One glass of wine and he had recorded the Book of Manning on ESPN so we started to watch. (Pretty damn awesome, recommended viewing for football fans!) Around 9pm, about halfway through the show, I was dozing so I got up to leave. His response: "You just got here". Yes, two hours ago... and he was planning on going hunting at 4am. This argument got shot down with "You might as well finish the show". So I sat back down. Or more accurately, laid back down, since I was sprawled across his lap. I was THAT tired! The show finished about half an hour later and I'm holding back tears. It was very moving and I have a lot of respect for the Manning family. I always have, but hearing it in their own words, well, that was just something else.

So then he suggests that I take a nap for a bit before I leave. Now normally "Let's go lay down" is code for let's have sex, but not last night. Last night it literally meant take a nap. I put up the same argument as before, but he shot it down again and set an alarm for me to wake up after a couple hours. At midnight I get up to leave and promise to text when I get home, which I did and bless his heart if he didn't wait up to make sure I got there in one piece.

Then as I'm leaving the house with the boys this morning around 6:35am I get a text: "Good morning. Don fell into the swamp..." and a beautiful pic of the sun rising over the same swamp. Poetically beautiful.

So he's not good with words. And doesn't show affection in the traditional sense. There are no hearts and flowers, but having had the last 13 months to get to know him, I'm getting used to it. It's his way. I'm much happier FEELING loved and appreciated than having the false alternative that I had for 11 years with my ex.