Back on Track... sort of.

Last night I managed to do the Jillian Michaels Max Abs workout :-) I even managed the sumo squat! Only minor discomfort this morning and my back is a little 'achy' after I walked just under a mile this morning, but that's all expected.

The workout wasn't quite what I wanted it to be.... Bad Boy and Little One both decided to 'workout' with me... Between having to stop and try to correct their posture and laughing at their attempts to one-up each other with my hand weights, I didn't really get much done. Next time I will go first and let them go after me while I cool down, I can work with them. SMH.

So, this morning I got to work feeling super confident. A couple of the ladies here are trying to shed a few pounds and have created their own 'support group' complete with weekly weigh-ins. I decided to join them since I gained 6 or 7lbs back over the last 4 weeks while waiting for my diagnosis. I weighed in last week at 169lbs with jeans etc on... so today I wore a skirt and top of very light fabric.

And weighed in at 171lbs :-/ WTF?

So off I trot at lunch and opt for a local Lebanese restaurant that uses all natural, fresh ingredients and ordered the chicken pitza, which is delicious, but they sat me right in front of the cake display. Apparently, I had left my willpower at home this morning. Even the price tag at $6.25 a slice wasn't enough to deter me. One chocolate decadence to go please....

It was sooooo good. But we're going to the movies tonight and then dinner after. So do I compromise and have popcorn and no dessert at dinner? Oh and probably a salad... Or do I just say to Hell with it, YOLO?!

<sigh>

I shall pay my penance at some point. I may not be quite up to 5K yet, and I wasn't going to start running again until next week, but maybe I will take some time and hit the gym this weekend... (who am I kidding, you and I both know I am not taking time out at the weekend to go to the gym!) 

I'm in love!

Yes! With Dr Scruggs! He was the fourth doctor I saw in 5 months. The first 3 I'm convinced thought I was making it up looking for pain meds... But Dr Scruggs, oh how I love thee!! He believed from the start and in just two short visits I have the medication I need to make it right again. Last night, I slept the ENTIRE night! No excruciating pain or spasms waking me! It was awesome! Yes, I woke up groggy, but I almost felt like I could run a couple laps around the block, my back felt so good! Not quite normal, but yesterday I could barely sit in my office chair for more than 5 minutes, this morning I have been at my desk for 30 minutes and there is no ache at all!

You know what that means!

Back to my daily 2k runs :-) And... I may even give Jillian a run for her money on her ab workout! Dr approved of course!

I feel so amazing! And a huge thank you to firefighter for being so patient and sympathetic. Poor guy had to put up with my fussing and fidgeting most of the night on Friday! Says I didn't disrupt him, but I don't believe him, lol! Of course I'll find a way to thank him properly ;-)

The pool opens in just a couple of weeks. I may be ready to don my two-piece!

At last! A diagnosis!

For the last month or so, I've been wondering whether I was just being a giant wuss after the first MRI showed nothing more than a small tear that apparently isn't worth surgery at this point, but then the spine specialist suggested a second MRI and I began to think that that was also going to be inconclusive. Last night I said to my firefighter that I was pretty sure something was pushing on the nerve. I had said the same to him a week ago when a night out rendered me useless the next day, and I hadn't done much more than a gentle side to side foot shuffle on the dance floor.

Ok, well maybe I dropped it low a time or two, but the wine blurred the pain....

Anyway, suffice it to say, I was probably one of those rare patients in his office that WANTED him to find something wrong. Something to explain the pain and discomfort. For the last week it has been getting progressively worse to where I dreaded any type of movement. My blood pressure was sky high after walking from the waiting room to the treatment room. The nurse even commented that it was abnormally high for me and was a real indicator that it was not all in my head! Yay. I think....

Now this specialist is young and attends my gym (so I've been behaving and not exercising lest he busts me!), but he also knows how stubborn I can be and that as an athlete my tolerances are different, so before he said anything, he did the usual 'checks'. Reflexes are good, but when he tried to raise the leg at the hip, I noticeably winced... at which point he said "Yep, the MRI confirms your symptoms are correct. You have a small bulge on the left that happens to be pushing on the nerve and a little on the spinal column itself..." Really? You don't say.... He carried on: "We can treat it with meds and hopefully avoid surgical intervention, typically, I'll do an epidural injection of cortisone....." Uh, well, there are two problems with this statement. I hate needles to the point that I delivered three children completely naturally. And I'm allergic to cortisone injections. Just a small problem. "Oh, I forgot. What was your reaction?" "well with the cortisone, it felt like thousands of ants had happily burrowed under every inch of my skin and were merrily travelling up and down." "Oh, no breathing difficulties?" "No, that was with Dexamethasone that I had that." Silence. "Well, that happens to be my preference, Dexamethasone, so maybe we should try something else." "That would be good since the last time resulted in a trip to the ER."

After some back and forth discussion about current meds, schedules and the necessity of being able to care for three children, we settled on Lyrica and some pain meds. Now apparently Lyrica has some pretty nasty side effects of it's own. Well, that's awesome. "If you get any leg swelling, stop taking it immediately." Fantastic.... It's dress and shorts season, and my legs could end up looking like balloons? Terrific.

The good news is I should be ready for the Colour Vibe 5k in 5 weeks, I can start back on my core workouts, gently, and should, with luck, avoid surgery! The relief at finding out I'm not crazy, confirmation that my pain tolerance is extremely high (his eyebrows raised at the length of time I had 'ignored' the pain and carried on combined with his being impressed that I'd even finished the 10 miler were enough on their own, but he even made a statement that I should have been rendered useless months ago), and hopefully a quick resolution to the pain and suffering have put me in a slightly better mood.

Now on to the next problem.

Owie :-(

It's 3:40am. I've been awake since 2am. In so much pain, I can't get comfortable and it's too late (early?) to take something. Grrrrr!

Yesterday I decided I was going to try walking after work to see how my back and hip manage before my follow up today. My fear is they say they can't see anything wrong... However, on the way home firefighter decided he was coming over for dinner (he had originally said he was cutting his mum's grass, so now I feel guilty that he would rather come see me, but also flattered, lol). So I got home, Bad Boy had a counseling session while Little One helped me with the grill and ran to the grocery store with me. By the time I got back home and started dinner I had a dull ache in my back, then the hip started. Running in and out to the grill and getting dinner on the table took it's toll. My firefighter offered to help although I hadn't said anything, he could tell I was struggling, but I sucked it up and let him sit and watch the game. I sat down to eat finally after being on my feet for a couple hours and WOW! My hip and back were on fire!

I'd had wine so I didn't take anything and was so tired, after getting the boys to bed, I immediately fell asleep, but the pain woke me after just a few hours. So I've been tossing and turning ever since. The heat pad is downstairs.  The thought of sitting at my desk tomorrow fills me with fear (and pain). I have done as I was told and not done any running since the 10 miler, and yet everyday tasks render me useless in debilitating pain! The Colour Vibe 5k is in 5 weeks... not to mention several long distance road trips back and forth to Georgia. It's not looking good :'(

I've been a runner for over 20 years. Suffered pretty much every injury and recovered well from each one. To be caused so much pain from one man's temper just makes me more angry than I can put into words.

It's a new dawn, a new .... week!

OK, so last week was an epic fail. I was so downtrodden and beat by the end of the week that I may have upset firefighter. I will make it up to him, but at least he's still talking to me. This weekend was the first in months that we didn't spend all day everyday together. Partly because it was Mother's Day and partly because I have been backing off lately so he is probably just a little confused, but I had to sort myself out a little bit and I needed the space to do that.

So because my sister was so awesome and patient and just everything I needed in a friend last week, I sent her a bouquet of flowers. My mum may have been a little upset that she didn't get any, but to be honest she has been a little selfish and I needed to make a point. Every time my mum has spoken to me it has been so that I could make arrangements that suited my baby sisters impending 3 month visit. Well, I'm sorry I've had more pressing matters to deal with than someone else's delicate sensibilities, like how to refurnish an entire house while simultaneously paying off the joint debt from my marriage that my ex seems disinclined to assist with, raising three children with their own sets of issues (except Little One who still seems to be dealing remarkably well) and apparently serving as everyone else's sounding board while struggling to cope on my own. Oh and the usual day-to-day issues like paying bills, running errands, working.... Did I mention the excruciating back pain that makes all of that just that little more challenging? Yeah, so while I love my baby sister, I'm not really in the right frame of mind to look up flight information for her to take a vacation in San Diego (that her dad is paying for), or make the phone calls chasing said pater to make sure he books the flights... so yeah, my sister has listened to me crying over how to deal with a teen with hormones, a child with anger management issues and an ex who is just a giant ass, but also helped me with the firefighter and get over my angst of getting into a new relationship. I will forever love her, and her husband, for just being there. There is 3000 miles away, but it's better than trying to cope alone as I was before.

Phew.

So anyway. Mother's Day has always been a sore point. My ex never bothered. So I've quite literally never had a Mother's Day. Oh my mum sends flowers (just like she sent me cards when I was younger and never received Valentine's Day cards), and I get text messages from my uncle and my dad, but the whole breakfast in bed, complete day of relaxation and\or pampering, fancy dinners out, or cooked at home... yeah, never had that whole experience. Now some people would have expected my firefighter to do that, but to be honest, I don't feel that it's his place. Our relationship isn't at that level. Yes, he offered to take me to lunch, and this is where I upset him. I turned him down (with some pretty lame excuses because I suck at lying).

I gave myself two choices. Stay at home and do nothing thus avoiding seeing and hearing everyone else's special day. Or take myself out. Now, this is typically also how my birthday goes. My last birthday I paid for  everything, including everyone's entrance to the club. (This year, I'm not doing that.) So I got dressed all pretty, went to the mall and bought myself a new outfit, got a makeover done by my favourite artist at Dior, who also treated me to some fabulous freebies!! and then went to lunch\dinner at my favourite steakhouse, Fleming's where the bartender then gave me free drinks (I was drinking an $11 a glass chardonnay) and a $25 gift card for my next visit. I had another few hours before I had to get the boys, so I went to see The Great Gatsby, fabulous movie by the way! Very well done! Love Baz Lehrmann! So I rescued what was looking to be a pretty foul day. Then my firefighter asked if I was going to watch the Jodi Arias Dateline special, because he wanted to watch with me. It's our thing when we can't be in the same place, we watch movies or shows long distance. It's cute. I think he was a little put out that I went to see a movie without him, but he had family obligations. And we have that trip to the beach coming up that still has me in knots.

Oh. And Baby Girl is in my bad books. She was MIA all weekend and made no attempts at a Mother's Day gift. Or card. Or hug. I'm going to hate the teen years.

Still breathing

The week is finally coming to an end and after a week of sheer Hell, at least it ends with payday. Although it's already earmarked for bills, I am thankful that those bills are getting paid!

I haven't done well at holding it together this week and felt a little abandoned, but even after I read my children the riot act on Tuesday, had a very subdued Wednesday morning, I was forever grateful that by that afternoon all was forgiven and I had my usual cheerful, loud, rambunctious brats to deal with. So while I go to bed feeling very alone and struggle to keep my composure if not for me, then for them, it helps to know that even after I've yelled and taken away all their toys, they can still come and hug me goodnight and tell me they love me.

I will get through this.

My rock this week has been my sister. Without her at the end of the phone, I don't think I'd have survived the week. I needed someone this week more than ever and there she was. Almost everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. But I'm determined not to be beat. So I'll take a deep breath this weekend and come back next week with a plan....

Now I've gotta go find some pretty flowers to send to her for Mother's Day...

This was posted on FB from someone elses blog, but after this week it felt appropriate (apart from 16...)

For the days we are running on empty. For the days we just don't think we have it in us to read one more story, play one more game of Uno, wash one more round of sheets. For the days when we think everyone else has it together. For the days we're sure anyone else would do this job better.

For those days. You know the ones.

Repeat after me:

1. I shall not judge my house, my kid's summer activities or my crafting skills by Pinterest's standards.

2. I shall not measure what I've accomplished today by the loads of unfolded laundry but by the assurance of deep love I've tickled into my kids.

3. I shall say yes to blanket forts and see past the chaos to the memories we're building.

4. I shall surprise my kids with trips to get ice cream when they're already in their pajamas.

5. I shall not compare myself to other mothers but find my identity in the God who trusted me with these kids in the first place.

6. I shall remember that a messy house at peace is better than an immaculate house tied up in knots.

7. I shall play music loudly and teach my kids the joy of wildly uncoordinated dance.

8. I shall remind myself that perfect is simply a street sign at the intersection of impossible and frustration in Never Never land.

9. I shall embrace the fact that in becoming a mom I traded perfect for a house full of real.

10. I shall promise to love this body that bore these three children out loud, especially in front of my daughter.

11. I shall give my other mother friends the gift of guilt-free friendship.

12. I shall do my best to admit to my people my unfine moments.

13. I shall say sorry when sorry is necessary.

14. I pray God I shall never be too proud, angry or stubborn to ask for my children's forgiveness.

15. I shall make space in my grown-up world for goofball moments with my kids.

16. I shall love their father and make sure they know I love him.

17. I shall model kind words to kids and grown-ups alike.

18. I shall not be intimidated by the inside of my minivan this season of chip bags, goldfish crackers and discarded socks too shall pass.

19. I shall always make time to encourage new moms.

20. I shall not resent that last call for kisses and cups of water but remember instead that when I blink they'll all be in college.

... with love from one tired mother to another.

Trying to get my groove back

I'm posting this as a second blog, because I feel like there were two parts to the day.

On arriving home, I first had to talk with my bankruptcy attorney to get the answers to some questions regarding the upcoming property settlement hearing. After we were through talking, I took a deep breath and exited my car. Corralled the kids into the house and then informed them that I would first deal with Baby Girl, then Bad Boy. Little One had yet to commit any transgressions deserving of my wrath.

Then I walked into the kitchen. Now, when I left yesterday morning I left a fairly strongly worded note informing Baby Girl that I expected to come home and find the dishwasher loaded, and kitchen tidy. That was not the scene that greeted me, so now I'm angry again and my calm has fled the building. I won't document all that was said, but I will say, I did not yell, curse, or use physical violence. I calmly informed my newly turned teenager that she was forever grounded, that I would no longer provide those luxuries that she seemed to feel entitled to without earning them and that if she failed school that was her problem because once she turned 18, I would not be providing for her. As an adult, it will be her responsibility. I did feel it was necessary to point out that in order for her to maintain the privileged life I have provided her with, she would need to earn good money, which requires a good job which comes from a good education. I almost pointed out that she could turn to illegal means, but felt I might be overstepping the mark.

Then it was Bad Boy's turn. Sigh.

I was a little gentler on him. We talked about the seriousness of what he had said in school and the problems that it could cause. We talked about things he can do to mitigate his temper, the correct way to deal with the child who seems Hell-bent on torturing him everyday. We then discussed the 'N' word, it's origins and it's offensiveness, not to mention how inappropriate it was for him to use that kind of language. Ever. Whether he is 9 or 90, I never want to hear that word from him again.

At this point, I was now ready to get on with what I needed to do that evening, which was to pull together documentation for both my divorce attorney and the bankruptcy. Not a fun task, but when I returned downstairs to find that Baby Girl was NOT doing her chores, I pretty much lost it again. I asked whether she had heard anything I had said. She said she was doing her homework. AT this point it was almost 7pm. She'd been home since 4pm. So her homework AND the chores SHOULD have been done.... I reaffirmed my disappointment and anger. She made a half-hearted attempt to do those things she was supposed to, but I sent her to her room.

After I had sat on the porch breathing for a few minutes, I returned inside and informed all three that their behaviour is unacceptable and that it would no longer be rewarded. I was eventually able to illustrate how I felt, by making them feel the same. I told them I was removing ALL TV's, video game consoles, cell phones etc except for the one in my room, and that they would have a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs and food in their bellies as that is the minimum I am required to provide as well as ensuring they GO to school. I am not responsible for their grades or whether they complete assignments, but if the flunk out of school they would not have me to fall back on. I left them to stew for a few minutes. I heard crying and they started to pick up some of their mess. I cleaned the kitchen and put dinner on. I then went back and asked them to tell me what they were feeling at that moment, knowing they would no longer have all the spoils they've been enjoying. Their answers were: Sad, disappointed and angry.

They ate their dinner quietly, and took themselves to bed at the normal 9pm.

Mission accomplished. For now.